I know its technically been a little over a year since I have posted... But its been exactly a year since we began a new journey in our lives...
Looking through my old email this morning (I was trying to do a little "spring cleaning") I noticed the reminder from 5/5/2011 about our New Patient appointment with the Center for Assisted Reproduction. Yes, our very first appoitnment with Dr. (man) Doody about the possibility of IVF and our future for trying to concieve.
I still remember leaving that appointment, Brian and I both giddy with excitement about the positive outlook for our future... There was nothing wrong with my ovaries, nor was there anything wrong with the "oven." My pipes were just a little messed up... Well, my PIPE was blocked, I lost the other one with the last tubal pregnancy loss. BUT, that meant we were PERFECT candidates for the IVF (in-vitro fertilization) process. The price was quite a hit, and the process from beginning to end was long and very enduring.
God not only provided the means for finding the money, but also the perfect timing of setting up my "cycle calendar."
We began the actual process on May 31st... If you have never been through an IVF process, or known someone who has here is what it is like... You begin with AF arriving, and on CD 1 (cycle day) you begin taking birth control pills so that the doctors have total control over your ovaries, etc. (No early ovulation, etc.) IVF Day 1 (usually CD 3-4) you get a sonogram and begin your 1st shot of hormones, these stop and prevent you from ovulating or having any eggs mature. And they do a mock transfer where they measure via sonogram to know exactly where your ovaries/ "oven" are located.
For a week you take the BC pill, and the 1st hormone shots... Then you get to stop the BC, but continue just the 1st hormone for 2 days, on the 3rd day of the 1st hormone you then have a "baseline sono" to see what your egg makers look like... They do blood work to measure some hormone levels and to know what your dosage will be for the next 2 hormone shots you add...
So, for the next 10-12 days you are taking 3 different hormone shots, one that stops your ovaries from ovulating, the other two are working together to make a bunch of little bitty eggs... Our kitchen table looked like a pharmacy with all these 100 million parts and pieces and medications etc. I think we might actually still have some in our fridge... Probably need to throw those away! This whole time you are going every 2 days for blood work, & every 4 for a sono to look at your egg makers.
Day 12... You stop all hormone shots and then take a "trigger shot" that allows your ovaries to finally mature and be ready to ovulate all the little eggs it was making...
Then a few days later they give you the "twilight" sleep (and no there are no vampires or ware wolves involved) and go in and take your eggs (I still picture the doctor with a basket lined with a red and white checkered cloth walking into the hen house to collect the eggs, I am weird)... The lab does the dirty work and you go back about 5 days later for them to implant the embryos.
You get pictures and updates on how many eggs were retrieved, how many fertilized, and how they are growing... We chose to transfer two, and ended up being able to freeze three more.
After the transfer comes the longest NINE days of your entire life... I swear it was really like 9 YEARS but I know it was only days... No matter what you try to do to keep busy, it doesn't help... On day 9 you go for the pregnancy test... NOW, I haven't met ANYONE who hasn't bought at least FIVE home pregnancy tests to take before the one from the doctor. Yes, me included...
I got a faint, faint, like maybe if I hold it this way in the light it might be two lines test the day of my actual doctor visit... I didn't think I was actually pregnant.
We went first thing and then decided to go antiquing to waste some time... I will always remember the exact antique booth I was in, and the stool I decided to sit on when I saw the incoming call... It was POSITIVE, I was PREGNANT!!!!
OK, so we were so happy, I was shaking and then the reality of our past losses overcame me like a huge shadow. I had to make it another almost 2 weeks for a confirmation sonogram. The thoughts of, could it still be an ectopic, what if I miscarry, etc were with me night and day...
Fast forward... I would love to say the worried thoughts went away as the weeks progressed... But, up until he was in my arms for the very first time I worried about the pregnancy and the things that could go wrong, etc. It's very hard not too when all you know is loss...
I had a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy, ha ha but really it was compared to many... LOTS of ravaging morning sickness through almost 20 weeks (I was on prescription meds for weeks and weeks and weeks, and still would get sick). Then around 26 weeks began contracting, NON STOP until I was close to 37 weeks when they began to taper off (Ended up in L&D twice for contractions, once having to be observed overnight)... Ended up being the result of POLYHYDRAMNIOS, in lamens terms, too much amniotic fluid, which meant lots of extra weight gain and lots of extra swelling.
I gained almost 50 pounds because of that and what turned out to be a really big baby.
Many were clueless to the knowledge we were pregnant for most or all of the nine months... We decided early on to keep it within the family and very close friends. When I started showing it was easy to keep my belly out of pictures that might appear on social media type sites, but word got out none the less... To be honest I was scared pretty much the entire pregnancy of something happening and not wanting to explain to people I honestly haven't had an in-person conversation with in over 12 years. After a little while it just became second nature to not mention anything...
March 12, 2012 at 12:02am we welcomed our MIRACLE CHILD into this world via c-section. He is beautiful, amazing and ultimately the greatest gift God could have ever given us. The feeling of being a mom to my little guy is an overwhelming sensation... I love him more than life itself!
I have mixed emotions over sharing stories and pictures and talking about the love I have for my child because I know that quite a few of my friends are struggling to get that positive pregnancy test, or struggling to have a successful pregnancy go full term. Those dear friends are in my heart all of the time, and I pray for them that God knows your deepest hearts desire every day.
I just wanted to share why we have kept so quiet over the last year...
Our journey is not over, as I was kindly reminded when we got the "frozen embryo storage" bill in the mail this last week... Only on pause so we can enjoy this time with our little man and watch the AWEsome work of God each day!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I can't wait to meet my babies...
I have to start by thanking Amanda Webb, without her and the fact that God laid it upon her heart to pass along this book, I would not be writing this post right now... On Sunday night I was given the book, "Heaven is for Real" written by Todd Burpo. I don't want to give too much of the story away but I have not been able to stop reading it since Monday. (If you know my schedule during the week, you know that the time I actually get to read is minimal.) YOU HAVE TO GET THE BOOK... If you even acknowledge there is a God, you HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK!!!
There is a chapter titled, "Two Sisters" where Colton (the little boy in the story) walks up to his mom and having no prior knowledge proceeds to tell his mom that he has two sisters. Long story short (and to not give away much of the book) the 2nd sister he is talking about is the baby that was lost due to a miscarriage between his older sister Cassie and himself. He met his sister in Heaven, and the sister said she could not wait to meet his parents someday. They ask Colton his sisters name, and he says she didn't have one because the parents didn't name her...
I WILL SEE MY BABIES ONE DAY... THEY ARE IN HEAVEN WATCHING DOWN ON ME AND THEY CAN'T WAIT TO MEET ME ALSO...
This gave me a peace that I cannot put into words... Now, when I think of the four that I have lost I am happy, I smile and while there might be a tear in my eye, its only there because I am overjoyed. God IS GREAT!
I have to be honest for a minute: I have never really put a lot of thought into my failed pregnancies (ectopic or miscarriage) as a baby... Well in the sense of holding a baby, rocking a baby, and watching that baby grow. Yeah, sure they are 50% me, and 50% Brian but they never made it past 8 or 9 weeks, does that really count as a baby? The answer is YES. I have four beautiful children waiting for me in Heaven. God has adopted my earthly children, and will take care of them for me until the day we are reunited.
I am no longer scared of going to Heaven...
The only part of the book that really made me sad was knowing that the baby didn't have a name. I want Brian and I to give our babies names, they need names in Heaven, and they need names in my heart. SO, I have complied a list of names, and over the next few weeks I want Brian and I to name the four little ones we have lost... It won't be an easy process but I know it will help bring Brian and I closer, and that is what we need.
The dream I talked about a few posts ago, after reading this book I think might have another meaning... In the dream the little girl is, "special." The dream took place in a hospital, and the baby girl has some physical abnormalities. I wonder if this was God and our baby girls way of letting me hold her in my arms, and make her mine before God took her into his heavenly kingdom?
Ok, I am done... GO GET THIS BOOK!!!! I BEG YOU... "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.
There is a chapter titled, "Two Sisters" where Colton (the little boy in the story) walks up to his mom and having no prior knowledge proceeds to tell his mom that he has two sisters. Long story short (and to not give away much of the book) the 2nd sister he is talking about is the baby that was lost due to a miscarriage between his older sister Cassie and himself. He met his sister in Heaven, and the sister said she could not wait to meet his parents someday. They ask Colton his sisters name, and he says she didn't have one because the parents didn't name her...
I WILL SEE MY BABIES ONE DAY... THEY ARE IN HEAVEN WATCHING DOWN ON ME AND THEY CAN'T WAIT TO MEET ME ALSO...
This gave me a peace that I cannot put into words... Now, when I think of the four that I have lost I am happy, I smile and while there might be a tear in my eye, its only there because I am overjoyed. God IS GREAT!
I have to be honest for a minute: I have never really put a lot of thought into my failed pregnancies (ectopic or miscarriage) as a baby... Well in the sense of holding a baby, rocking a baby, and watching that baby grow. Yeah, sure they are 50% me, and 50% Brian but they never made it past 8 or 9 weeks, does that really count as a baby? The answer is YES. I have four beautiful children waiting for me in Heaven. God has adopted my earthly children, and will take care of them for me until the day we are reunited.
I am no longer scared of going to Heaven...
The only part of the book that really made me sad was knowing that the baby didn't have a name. I want Brian and I to give our babies names, they need names in Heaven, and they need names in my heart. SO, I have complied a list of names, and over the next few weeks I want Brian and I to name the four little ones we have lost... It won't be an easy process but I know it will help bring Brian and I closer, and that is what we need.
The dream I talked about a few posts ago, after reading this book I think might have another meaning... In the dream the little girl is, "special." The dream took place in a hospital, and the baby girl has some physical abnormalities. I wonder if this was God and our baby girls way of letting me hold her in my arms, and make her mine before God took her into his heavenly kingdom?
Ok, I am done... GO GET THIS BOOK!!!! I BEG YOU... "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.
Friday, March 18, 2011
ready to cry?
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown
Monday, March 14, 2011
the 5 worst letters...
S.O.R.R.Y.
I literally at times HATE those letters put together... I mean what does "sorry" really mean? Its said so often as a fallback, something that fills that awkward space in a conversation when something not so happy is shared. Well I don't like being told that people feel sorry for me... I don't feel sorry for me so why should someone else. Yes, this situation sucks, and I wouldn't wish this struggle on my worst of enemies but sorry doesn't play into it anywhere...
Dictionary.com defines SORRY as: feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.
(well maybe the week before pay day), USELESS or PITIFUL... Okay, then please don't tell me you are sorry.
I know it is the easiest thing to say, especially when you can't find or know the words to say much else. Many people cannot fully understand or grasp what this is like, and I know that... I couldn't fully grasp what it was like for my stepmom Shirley to battle breast cancer, I was an outsider, and at times I felt helpless in knowing what to do or say. I am sure I uttered the 5 letters to her or my dad, as I am sure I will not stop hearing those letters said to me.
I am only asking that you please don't tell me you are sorry... I am not unimportant or insignificant. I am just me, struggling with something many others before me, and many more after me will struggle with also.
So, trade those 5 letters I dread to hear, and replace them with 7 I would LOVE to hear... HOPEFUL. I am hopeful that one day we will have a child to call our own, I am hopeful that Gods plan is closely intertwined with our hearts desires, and I am hopeful that not only can I grow stronger through this battle but the end result will be well worth the wait.
(P.S. I am catching up on some blogging the week I am off... So, more from me coming soon!)
I literally at times HATE those letters put together... I mean what does "sorry" really mean? Its said so often as a fallback, something that fills that awkward space in a conversation when something not so happy is shared. Well I don't like being told that people feel sorry for me... I don't feel sorry for me so why should someone else. Yes, this situation sucks, and I wouldn't wish this struggle on my worst of enemies but sorry doesn't play into it anywhere...
Dictionary.com defines SORRY as: feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.
2.regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic
3.
sorrowful, grieved, or sad
4.
associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering
5.
Really... Am I wretched, poor wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful
I know it is the easiest thing to say, especially when you can't find or know the words to say much else. Many people cannot fully understand or grasp what this is like, and I know that... I couldn't fully grasp what it was like for my stepmom Shirley to battle breast cancer, I was an outsider, and at times I felt helpless in knowing what to do or say. I am sure I uttered the 5 letters to her or my dad, as I am sure I will not stop hearing those letters said to me.
I am only asking that you please don't tell me you are sorry... I am not unimportant or insignificant. I am just me, struggling with something many others before me, and many more after me will struggle with also.
So, trade those 5 letters I dread to hear, and replace them with 7 I would LOVE to hear... HOPEFUL. I am hopeful that one day we will have a child to call our own, I am hopeful that Gods plan is closely intertwined with our hearts desires, and I am hopeful that not only can I grow stronger through this battle but the end result will be well worth the wait.
(P.S. I am catching up on some blogging the week I am off... So, more from me coming soon!)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
2 months is a long time...
Wow... I have to be honest, I have been avoiding this post for a while. And if it weren't for my Google search for pregnancy loss, I might have continued to avoid posting.
For those who know what happened but don't know details, here it is in as much detail and I can right now... Ok, first remember Dr. Wonderful and how he was so sure we would get pregnant, and told us to make a Christmas baby, well he was about a month off...
January 8th... Fred comes (thank you Kelsi for that reference), and I begin to think we are doomed. (Yes, its only been a month but when you have been trying for so long that month feels like YEARS!) So: Fast forward to about 9 DPO, and I am thinking something is up... Take a test, NEGATIVE. Trash it and go on about my business... I mean, it was WAY early anyway.
Remember, I have been charting my temps and have noticed no dip to indicate Fred coming again... 15 DPO still no Fred (and at this point he is about 3 days late.) NEGATIVE... Ok, stop stressing and Fred will show up anytime...
FINALLY at 18 DPO (which by, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" is when you should get a positive test if your temps remain high... POSITIVE!!!! We do the baby dance... Well, for about 5 minutes before the impending tidal wave of fear hits... WHAT IF???
Call Dr. Awesome, go in for blood work and sure enough, My levels were at 77, wahoo!!! (This was a Monday). Go back Thursday, more blood work... levels are at 300. THEY ARE RISING LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TOO!!!!! Baby dance a little more... That silly little ripple of fear is GONE.
Next Monday go in... Levels @ 890, still rising like normal (if there IS such a thing as normal in pregnancy, right?!) Dr. Awesome's nurses schedule a final blood work that Friday (Feb. 18th) and our 1st SONOGRAM on Monday 2/21. I knew it would be good... It was the 21st, exactly 3 months until my birthday, and if you know anything about me any multiple of "3" is considered LUCK.
Blood work on Friday won't come back until my Monday appointment... Monday morning comes and Brian and I have taken off of work that morning... We are excited to get pictures of our little one, and then enjoy over a lunch together before going back to work and sharing the good news...
Immediately I could tell something was wrong, the sonogram monitor was turned away from me... Wouldn't they let me see the baby? The nurse says, "Hmm, let me go get the man, you have an awful lot of fluid (blood) in your abdomen." 10 HOURS (felt like) later, Dr. Awesome comes in and confirms our worst fears... It's tubal #3. With the amount of fluid in my abdomen, and the pain I had been in over the last few days he considers it an Emergency and schedules my surgery for 3pm. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT... So much for the lunch date, and the cute sonogram pictures, and the thought that we might actually have a BABY. In the matter of minutes my heart breaks for the 4th time in 18 months...
I carry the burden of barrenness differently than other women... I can get pregnant, I just can't keep a pregnancy.
I now am missing my right tube, and with that went baby #4. MY left tube remains intact and blocked... It is not possible for me to get pregnant anymore... Without the help of fertility assistance.
I still think I am in shock... I haven't been mad yet, or sad for that matter. There hasn't been the great emotional breakdown. And the worst of it, I don't know if that will happen for a while...
I just feel empty... Lost, confused and empty. I had a dream the other night, that in reality made no sense but in my dream we got the baby our arms ache to hold. She was beautiful and perfect and she was ours.
For those who know what happened but don't know details, here it is in as much detail and I can right now... Ok, first remember Dr. Wonderful and how he was so sure we would get pregnant, and told us to make a Christmas baby, well he was about a month off...
January 8th... Fred comes (thank you Kelsi for that reference), and I begin to think we are doomed. (Yes, its only been a month but when you have been trying for so long that month feels like YEARS!) So: Fast forward to about 9 DPO, and I am thinking something is up... Take a test, NEGATIVE. Trash it and go on about my business... I mean, it was WAY early anyway.
Remember, I have been charting my temps and have noticed no dip to indicate Fred coming again... 15 DPO still no Fred (and at this point he is about 3 days late.) NEGATIVE... Ok, stop stressing and Fred will show up anytime...
FINALLY at 18 DPO (which by, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" is when you should get a positive test if your temps remain high... POSITIVE!!!! We do the baby dance... Well, for about 5 minutes before the impending tidal wave of fear hits... WHAT IF???
Call Dr. Awesome, go in for blood work and sure enough, My levels were at 77, wahoo!!! (This was a Monday). Go back Thursday, more blood work... levels are at 300. THEY ARE RISING LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TOO!!!!! Baby dance a little more... That silly little ripple of fear is GONE.
Next Monday go in... Levels @ 890, still rising like normal (if there IS such a thing as normal in pregnancy, right?!) Dr. Awesome's nurses schedule a final blood work that Friday (Feb. 18th) and our 1st SONOGRAM on Monday 2/21. I knew it would be good... It was the 21st, exactly 3 months until my birthday, and if you know anything about me any multiple of "3" is considered LUCK.
Blood work on Friday won't come back until my Monday appointment... Monday morning comes and Brian and I have taken off of work that morning... We are excited to get pictures of our little one, and then enjoy over a lunch together before going back to work and sharing the good news...
Immediately I could tell something was wrong, the sonogram monitor was turned away from me... Wouldn't they let me see the baby? The nurse says, "Hmm, let me go get the man, you have an awful lot of fluid (blood) in your abdomen." 10 HOURS (felt like) later, Dr. Awesome comes in and confirms our worst fears... It's tubal #3. With the amount of fluid in my abdomen, and the pain I had been in over the last few days he considers it an Emergency and schedules my surgery for 3pm. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT... So much for the lunch date, and the cute sonogram pictures, and the thought that we might actually have a BABY. In the matter of minutes my heart breaks for the 4th time in 18 months...
I carry the burden of barrenness differently than other women... I can get pregnant, I just can't keep a pregnancy.
I now am missing my right tube, and with that went baby #4. MY left tube remains intact and blocked... It is not possible for me to get pregnant anymore... Without the help of fertility assistance.
I still think I am in shock... I haven't been mad yet, or sad for that matter. There hasn't been the great emotional breakdown. And the worst of it, I don't know if that will happen for a while...
I just feel empty... Lost, confused and empty. I had a dream the other night, that in reality made no sense but in my dream we got the baby our arms ache to hold. She was beautiful and perfect and she was ours.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Better Luck Next Time...
Well so much for the Christmas baby making... Turns out we might have a little more trouble than we imagined... I am so over this!
We will try again this month, fingers crossed and hoping it all "works out" haha... I have been trying to keep up with this charting crap and its annoying. I hate taking my temp in the morning, I hate having to do the peepee ovulation tests for like 4 days at a time, its EXPENSIVE and frustrating to keep up with...
I am giving it ONE more month if it doesn't work this month and I am going to go back to Dr. Love for the next step... Patience is a virtue, but not one when it comes to this...
I'm done...
We will try again this month, fingers crossed and hoping it all "works out" haha... I have been trying to keep up with this charting crap and its annoying. I hate taking my temp in the morning, I hate having to do the peepee ovulation tests for like 4 days at a time, its EXPENSIVE and frustrating to keep up with...
I am giving it ONE more month if it doesn't work this month and I am going to go back to Dr. Love for the next step... Patience is a virtue, but not one when it comes to this...
I'm done...
Friday, December 24, 2010
Is it too late to wish for a Christmas miracle??
So, as I sat in church earlier today I wondered to myself, "You don't hear about Christmas miracles much anymore." We celebrate the one true CHRISTmas Miracle every December 25th, as in Jesus' birth... But, it feels like growing up I was always hearing about someone miraculously making it home for the Holiday's or somehow someone was able to buy Christmas presents after all, and not to mention all the beautiful Christmas babies born... (Speaking of: can my niece Josalyn come on now... We want a Christmas baby!)
So, my thought this Christmas is more of a plead to the BIG MAN upstairs, and no that's not a fat joke about Brian... I am talking about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit... Can I be the recipient of a Christmas miracle?? And, the miracle I am hoping for is the one in the form of a positive pregnancy test FOLLOWED UP by a POSITIVE (as in happy) Doctor visit saying everything is NORMAL and HEALTHY... At this point I don't know if that positive pregnancy test would cause as much joy as it does with so many other women... See I have had a positive pregnancy test before... THREE TIMES!!! So, my view of getting pregnant is a bit jaded with the immediate negative thoughts... "Is this one another tubal?" "Will I end up having a miscarriage again, etc"
I HATE THAT... I want the utter jubilation that comes with the two pink lines.
My Christmas miracle wouldn't quite be a miracle at Christmas... Except for the fact that the miracle in itself would be conception at or around the months following Christmas and then a HEALTHY implantation around New Years or the months following...
As you pray over family and friends over the next few months, give the BIG MAN a shout out for me... In the form of OPEN MY DARN TUBES enough to let a little bean get through...
Merry CHRISTmas to you dear friends and family... I love you all!!! Remember: pray for the Christmas miracle... Even if maybe it doesn't come until a few months down the road, it will still be my miracle...
And lastly... Remember me and the women like me this time of year... We don't like hearing all your complaints about being pregnant... Believe me, we would take and combine ALL our preggo friends complaints just to have the joy of the experience of being pregnant. This time of year is especially hard on me... I can't wait for Brian to get to play "Daddy Santa" and for us to have the joy of a little one waking us up early on Christmas morning...
Good night... and Merry Christmas!!! :)
So, my thought this Christmas is more of a plead to the BIG MAN upstairs, and no that's not a fat joke about Brian... I am talking about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit... Can I be the recipient of a Christmas miracle?? And, the miracle I am hoping for is the one in the form of a positive pregnancy test FOLLOWED UP by a POSITIVE (as in happy) Doctor visit saying everything is NORMAL and HEALTHY... At this point I don't know if that positive pregnancy test would cause as much joy as it does with so many other women... See I have had a positive pregnancy test before... THREE TIMES!!! So, my view of getting pregnant is a bit jaded with the immediate negative thoughts... "Is this one another tubal?" "Will I end up having a miscarriage again, etc"
I HATE THAT... I want the utter jubilation that comes with the two pink lines.
My Christmas miracle wouldn't quite be a miracle at Christmas... Except for the fact that the miracle in itself would be conception at or around the months following Christmas and then a HEALTHY implantation around New Years or the months following...
As you pray over family and friends over the next few months, give the BIG MAN a shout out for me... In the form of OPEN MY DARN TUBES enough to let a little bean get through...
Merry CHRISTmas to you dear friends and family... I love you all!!! Remember: pray for the Christmas miracle... Even if maybe it doesn't come until a few months down the road, it will still be my miracle...
And lastly... Remember me and the women like me this time of year... We don't like hearing all your complaints about being pregnant... Believe me, we would take and combine ALL our preggo friends complaints just to have the joy of the experience of being pregnant. This time of year is especially hard on me... I can't wait for Brian to get to play "Daddy Santa" and for us to have the joy of a little one waking us up early on Christmas morning...
Good night... and Merry Christmas!!! :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
seriously?!?!
OK, so I might have to take a leave of absence from Facebook until further notice... It seems like EVERY time I log on someone else is pregnant, or posting about pregnancy... Now, don't get me wrong, while I am excited for everyone being able to begin that journey or to add to their family, it just seems a little overwhelming right now... WAY TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. I thought I was SO past this, "Why not me?" thing but I am so most definitely not...
I wish this was different, I wish my feelings were different and that it didn't almost bring me to tears every time I see someones post that they get to experience the ONE thing I want SO BADLY!
I didn't want to become the girl who wants this so bad that everyone else's joy sends me to tears... I guess right now that is what I have to settle for...
Literally I can count 10 people I know who are in some stage of their pregnancy right now... And, sadly I can count almost as many struggling to get pregnant like we are...
This is a sad post for me... I really didn't want to ever feel this way but after this week I most definitely do. There are a couple of people who I am really excited to hear their news, people who have been where I am, and those people who have been where I am they have overcome this...
I am sure this post will make some people mad... Sad, or even to the point of not wanting to read this anymore... Please know my feelings will pass, and I will be able to move past this but right now its all I can think about...
I think I am just overwhelmed...
I wish this was different, I wish my feelings were different and that it didn't almost bring me to tears every time I see someones post that they get to experience the ONE thing I want SO BADLY!
I didn't want to become the girl who wants this so bad that everyone else's joy sends me to tears... I guess right now that is what I have to settle for...
Literally I can count 10 people I know who are in some stage of their pregnancy right now... And, sadly I can count almost as many struggling to get pregnant like we are...
This is a sad post for me... I really didn't want to ever feel this way but after this week I most definitely do. There are a couple of people who I am really excited to hear their news, people who have been where I am, and those people who have been where I am they have overcome this...
I am sure this post will make some people mad... Sad, or even to the point of not wanting to read this anymore... Please know my feelings will pass, and I will be able to move past this but right now its all I can think about...
I think I am just overwhelmed...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Thank you, I needed to hear that...
Last night's message at church spoke right to my heart and I had to share... The title of the series right now is, "All I Want For Christmas" and yesterday's lesson was on LOVE. I went in to the message thinking it was going to be about "loving" everyone this time of year, and we are all for World Peace, etc, etc. What the message was really about caught me off guard...
I Cannot Experience the Love of Others if I Cannot Love Myself...
A one of the main points was about resisting the impulse to HATE myself b/c all that = is depression
I think in this journey we are on, the roller coaster of infertility, it is hard NOT to HATE ourselves. We have been raised to believe a woman's soul purpose on earth is to be a mother. When that isn't happening, we question ourselves, we wonder what WE DID WRONG along the way that is causing our wombs to be empty month after month. We cannot experience the LOVE FROM A CHILD if we do not love ourselves. Not to mention the unconditional LOVE of our spouse who is on this journey with us. We have to stop beating ourselves up every month when we wake up on that dreaded morning and realize once again it didn't happen this month... This totally opened my eyes and made me realize I have been holding so much in for so long and I need to forgive myself, and learn to love myself again... So, that is my goal: Re-learn to love myself...
The other thing we tend to do is to get angry... We don't love ourselves, so it's easy to push that anger onto someone else... I know going through this very emotional and hormonal battle, I at times get angry and the person I tend to take it out on the most is my Hubby. He definitely doesn't deserve it, we are in this together.
The message went on to talk about "Living out your God created Identity" and making you self reflect on the question, "Is there any truth about myself I've been denying, avoiding, or covering up?" Now, that is a hard question to answer on the inside, and for sure not one I want to admit "yes" out loud but I am sure we can all answer that with a "yes" on some level. I have been harboring so much anger and self- doubt and just flat out worry and fear for so long, I have been avoiding a lot about LIFE in general. I am done beating myself up... I am done worrying over every little thing... I am DONE with trying to micro manage or control every aspect of my life... I am truly letting go and giving this over to God...
I have decided to write out everything negative that comes to mind, whether it be something I have done in the past, or just negative thoughts about myself and I am going to have a little back-yard old school bonfire and burn all those negative things... I know it is only a physical act, and most of those things are mental... But, to me that physical act of burning the bad, is what I need to get over, and move on... And I haven't had a good "burn the bad bonfire" since I was in HS (Adrienne & Shirley remember that?)
Anyone want to come roast marshmallows?
I am going to go into Christmas and the New Year with a positive outlook, and all the while RE-LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF!!!
I Cannot Experience the Love of Others if I Cannot Love Myself...
A one of the main points was about resisting the impulse to HATE myself b/c all that = is depression
I think in this journey we are on, the roller coaster of infertility, it is hard NOT to HATE ourselves. We have been raised to believe a woman's soul purpose on earth is to be a mother. When that isn't happening, we question ourselves, we wonder what WE DID WRONG along the way that is causing our wombs to be empty month after month. We cannot experience the LOVE FROM A CHILD if we do not love ourselves. Not to mention the unconditional LOVE of our spouse who is on this journey with us. We have to stop beating ourselves up every month when we wake up on that dreaded morning and realize once again it didn't happen this month... This totally opened my eyes and made me realize I have been holding so much in for so long and I need to forgive myself, and learn to love myself again... So, that is my goal: Re-learn to love myself...
The other thing we tend to do is to get angry... We don't love ourselves, so it's easy to push that anger onto someone else... I know going through this very emotional and hormonal battle, I at times get angry and the person I tend to take it out on the most is my Hubby. He definitely doesn't deserve it, we are in this together.
The message went on to talk about "Living out your God created Identity" and making you self reflect on the question, "Is there any truth about myself I've been denying, avoiding, or covering up?" Now, that is a hard question to answer on the inside, and for sure not one I want to admit "yes" out loud but I am sure we can all answer that with a "yes" on some level. I have been harboring so much anger and self- doubt and just flat out worry and fear for so long, I have been avoiding a lot about LIFE in general. I am done beating myself up... I am done worrying over every little thing... I am DONE with trying to micro manage or control every aspect of my life... I am truly letting go and giving this over to God...
I have decided to write out everything negative that comes to mind, whether it be something I have done in the past, or just negative thoughts about myself and I am going to have a little back-yard old school bonfire and burn all those negative things... I know it is only a physical act, and most of those things are mental... But, to me that physical act of burning the bad, is what I need to get over, and move on... And I haven't had a good "burn the bad bonfire" since I was in HS (Adrienne & Shirley remember that?)
Anyone want to come roast marshmallows?
I am going to go into Christmas and the New Year with a positive outlook, and all the while RE-LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF!!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Something that has been on my heart...
I want to start an infertility outreach or support network in North Texas or even the Mid-Cities area for women that struggle with infertility, no matter what their case may be... Someplace they can go to "escape" when things get overwhelming, a place full of caring people and resources (lots) to stray people from the internet misinformation, someplace where other people know EXACTLY what they are going through and can truly be the ones to comfort and support, and uplift. Whether it be PCOS w/ no Ovulation, Secondary Infertility, Failed IVF, Ectopic, Blocked/ Scarred Tubes, or even those just having to work a little harder than most to conceive. I feel like some people are embarrassed at this concept, and most of the time people have no idea that infertility is as common as it is (1 in 8 couples), especially those couples who can look at each other and conceive. That thought always makes me giggle a little... This idea has been placed on my heart, and I am going to continue to pray about it, knowing that I will eventually get the sign of how to proceed. I have always wanted to author a book, and I have had a few ideas and may contact some of the wonderful women who I have crossed paths with since we began the infertility journey. So, all I ask for now is prayers to have God show me what he wants me to do from here...
Praying for all my wonderful women who are in this battle for mommyhood with me... :)
Praying for all my wonderful women who are in this battle for mommyhood with me... :)
God, I'm tapped in...
God is truly amazing... Just when you let your shoulders droop for a second he whispers in your ear to let you know he is still here. I had one of those moments today, and I am glad that I have become a lot more "tapped in" with God over the last 6 months so that I am able to realize he is whispering in my ear, and to acknowledge that He is truly GREAT! I think so many times throughout this time of year we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the "season" and a lot of time forget the "reason" for all the celebration. This year I want nothing more than for my relationship to continue to grow, and to further my walk with Christ. I would not be as strong as I am now if it weren't for Him tapping me on the shoulder, and whispering in my ear letting me know that I had strayed from Him, and feeling totally embraced by God the minute Brian and I walked into Fellowship of the Parks this summer. All those out there that struggle with this concept, man you are missing out on something truly awesome!
Ok, this little rant is done...
Ok, this little rant is done...
Thursday, December 9, 2010
It's Been a While My Friends...
Well so until someone asked me about my blog the other day, I had totally forgotten I had one... Wow, for someone only 28, I sure feel senile at times!
A LOT has happened since my last post... So, here we go:
I have officially switched from my previous OB to a new one, who has about 1200 letters after his name, so that means he has to be a good doctor right?? He specializes in fertility issues, and has been a total God-sent.
Visit #1 with Dr. Awesome: Within 30 minutes, I had my HSG procedure and found out that my left tube is completely blocked, but my right was open and looked good on the sonogram. I was ovulating from the left side that month, so BE CAREFUL was what he told us. I learned more about not ONLY my tubes and what to do but MORE information about what I had been through the last 12 months. With the scary fact that my September 2010 pregnancy could "possibly" have been a viable pregnancy but with my ectopic history and ONE sign pointing to that diagnosis my OLD OB went ahead with the Methetrexate shot. I don't even want to ponder that one longer than it takes me to type it...
Now, do you see why I switched to Dr. Awesome???
Visit #2 with Dr. Awesome: my official "switching" over, and a "where to go from here." Met with Awesome and he went over AGAIN my HSG test results, took a lengthy medical history and then told me flat out there are a few options. 1- Try on our own for a few more months, since we had been successful at getting preggo in the past. 2- Go on a round of Clomid to make me produce multiple eggs each month, ensuring that I ovulate at least one on the RIGHT side. (Good side) and 3- an exploratory surgery to really get a good look at what is going on inside my body. He didn't like #3, and neither did I since I am STILL paying off my May surgery! But, FIRST he wanted a "swimmer test" run on Brian. A purse FULL of pre-natal vitamins and a follow up appointment on Dec. 6th was scheduled.
Well 3rd time is the charm for the "man test" apparently. After a very scary test run, with the possibility of never having kids as a result... I will leave out any more for the sake of embarrassment of my hubby!
Dec. 6 Follow Up: Dr. Awesome has decided after the "man test" and my history etc that we are young, and he recommends trying on our own for a few more months. After my "cost" comment in a previous appointment he says he wants to save us the money on the Clomid right now. That sounds good to me... Man its been an expensive year! He says we have to do the fancy Ovulation test kids and I have to keep track of that junk, and as soon as I "feel pregnant" to call and they will begin to chart my blood tests etc. He considers me "high risk" and so I get the SPECIAL TREATMENT!!! So, all you pregnant or soon to be pregnant ladies out there, while you are waiting until weeks 6-12 for your 1st appointment... If I think I MIGHT have MAYBE even a little bit be pregnant then I get to go in for the blood test. Not that I am bragging at all, this actually sucks... But, the last thing Dr. Awesome said was, "Go make us a Christmas baby." So, we are going to do as he says... And make that Christmas baby happen!!! FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!
Lots of prayers have been answered, I feel better... I know the hubby feels better... We have some answers, we have some orders LOTS OF PRAYERS, and hope it's Gods timing! :)
Until next time...
A LOT has happened since my last post... So, here we go:
I have officially switched from my previous OB to a new one, who has about 1200 letters after his name, so that means he has to be a good doctor right?? He specializes in fertility issues, and has been a total God-sent.
Visit #1 with Dr. Awesome: Within 30 minutes, I had my HSG procedure and found out that my left tube is completely blocked, but my right was open and looked good on the sonogram. I was ovulating from the left side that month, so BE CAREFUL was what he told us. I learned more about not ONLY my tubes and what to do but MORE information about what I had been through the last 12 months. With the scary fact that my September 2010 pregnancy could "possibly" have been a viable pregnancy but with my ectopic history and ONE sign pointing to that diagnosis my OLD OB went ahead with the Methetrexate shot. I don't even want to ponder that one longer than it takes me to type it...
Now, do you see why I switched to Dr. Awesome???
Visit #2 with Dr. Awesome: my official "switching" over, and a "where to go from here." Met with Awesome and he went over AGAIN my HSG test results, took a lengthy medical history and then told me flat out there are a few options. 1- Try on our own for a few more months, since we had been successful at getting preggo in the past. 2- Go on a round of Clomid to make me produce multiple eggs each month, ensuring that I ovulate at least one on the RIGHT side. (Good side) and 3- an exploratory surgery to really get a good look at what is going on inside my body. He didn't like #3, and neither did I since I am STILL paying off my May surgery! But, FIRST he wanted a "swimmer test" run on Brian. A purse FULL of pre-natal vitamins and a follow up appointment on Dec. 6th was scheduled.
Well 3rd time is the charm for the "man test" apparently. After a very scary test run, with the possibility of never having kids as a result... I will leave out any more for the sake of embarrassment of my hubby!
Dec. 6 Follow Up: Dr. Awesome has decided after the "man test" and my history etc that we are young, and he recommends trying on our own for a few more months. After my "cost" comment in a previous appointment he says he wants to save us the money on the Clomid right now. That sounds good to me... Man its been an expensive year! He says we have to do the fancy Ovulation test kids and I have to keep track of that junk, and as soon as I "feel pregnant" to call and they will begin to chart my blood tests etc. He considers me "high risk" and so I get the SPECIAL TREATMENT!!! So, all you pregnant or soon to be pregnant ladies out there, while you are waiting until weeks 6-12 for your 1st appointment... If I think I MIGHT have MAYBE even a little bit be pregnant then I get to go in for the blood test. Not that I am bragging at all, this actually sucks... But, the last thing Dr. Awesome said was, "Go make us a Christmas baby." So, we are going to do as he says... And make that Christmas baby happen!!! FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!
Lots of prayers have been answered, I feel better... I know the hubby feels better... We have some answers, we have some orders LOTS OF PRAYERS, and hope it's Gods timing! :)
Until next time...
Monday, October 25, 2010
a little of this... a little of that...
So, FINALLY the day has arrived... That is, AF came to visit. Man, I haven't missed the cramps and "yucky" feeling that goes along with her visits... BUT, this means I was able to call and schedule my HSG. (hys-something- salpinogy) or something like that...
I do have to make a comment on here... And, right now there are only like 2 people reading this and I am pretty sure both have a good idea of what I am dealing with BUT, nothing else drives me crazy than someone who tells me, "Oh, just give up, or relax and it will happen..." I always am polite and say thank you, etc. It just drives me BATTY... I CAN get pregnant, hints the miscarriage and 2 ectopic pregnancies. I am just having some "tubal" issues... So, relaxing isn't going to help my scarred fallopian tubes magically unscar, and "giving up" isn't going to help any little embryo find my uterus before deciding one of my two tubes is a better place to "latch on." I appreciate people trying to sympathize, and empathize but its frustrating as all get out to have people try to explain what to do. We got's the birds and the bees part down...
I do have to admit I was a little harsh last week when a co-worker asked me when we (my hubby and myself) were going to have little ones... My exact words were, "When I can come up with $15,000 for In-vitro, because there is no possible way it is going to happen any other way." She looked at me almost cross-eyed and said, "You never know... You just never know." So, if that was you, I apologize...
I am to the point now that I am tired of explaining that I am different than most others that struggle with infertility... I ovulate (day 14 to be exact) and have very regular cycles (every 27 days). I just have tubes that are scarred, from what, I don't know... And that causes a problem.
I feel like I am venting I am almost done, I PROMISE...
The absolute worst thing about struggling is the fact that people are actually scared or worried about telling you they are pregnant. I want to be excited with you, rejoice in the blessing God has given you. I want to be one of the first to know, and want to find out like anyone else would. I don't want it to be a big deal... I love the fact that my friends and family are expanding their own families, it just hurts to think that others are scared to share their news. I can take the news like a champ, I am great with that... I might go home and cry but that is not something to worry about. I am not jealous, I will not resent you, God has an ultimate plan for all of our lives... I am reading a book right now called, "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake, and it has been super helpful. It is written so that not only women struggling with infertility can read it but that their family and friends can read and understand. One of the "Burden Bearers" (which are the people who are the support for the infertile reading the book) it talks about asking someone struggling with infertility HOW they would like to find out if you become pregnant. I think that is GREAT... All you have to do is ask...
"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:6
Hysterosalpingogram: OK there, that is the technical term for it, I was way off!
I go for my testing next Wednesday afternoon... So, fingers crossed, I will have news (good OR bad) to share.I do have to make a comment on here... And, right now there are only like 2 people reading this and I am pretty sure both have a good idea of what I am dealing with BUT, nothing else drives me crazy than someone who tells me, "Oh, just give up, or relax and it will happen..." I always am polite and say thank you, etc. It just drives me BATTY... I CAN get pregnant, hints the miscarriage and 2 ectopic pregnancies. I am just having some "tubal" issues... So, relaxing isn't going to help my scarred fallopian tubes magically unscar, and "giving up" isn't going to help any little embryo find my uterus before deciding one of my two tubes is a better place to "latch on." I appreciate people trying to sympathize, and empathize but its frustrating as all get out to have people try to explain what to do. We got's the birds and the bees part down...
I do have to admit I was a little harsh last week when a co-worker asked me when we (my hubby and myself) were going to have little ones... My exact words were, "When I can come up with $15,000 for In-vitro, because there is no possible way it is going to happen any other way." She looked at me almost cross-eyed and said, "You never know... You just never know." So, if that was you, I apologize...
I am to the point now that I am tired of explaining that I am different than most others that struggle with infertility... I ovulate (day 14 to be exact) and have very regular cycles (every 27 days). I just have tubes that are scarred, from what, I don't know... And that causes a problem.
I feel like I am venting I am almost done, I PROMISE...
The absolute worst thing about struggling is the fact that people are actually scared or worried about telling you they are pregnant. I want to be excited with you, rejoice in the blessing God has given you. I want to be one of the first to know, and want to find out like anyone else would. I don't want it to be a big deal... I love the fact that my friends and family are expanding their own families, it just hurts to think that others are scared to share their news. I can take the news like a champ, I am great with that... I might go home and cry but that is not something to worry about. I am not jealous, I will not resent you, God has an ultimate plan for all of our lives... I am reading a book right now called, "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake, and it has been super helpful. It is written so that not only women struggling with infertility can read it but that their family and friends can read and understand. One of the "Burden Bearers" (which are the people who are the support for the infertile reading the book) it talks about asking someone struggling with infertility HOW they would like to find out if you become pregnant. I think that is GREAT... All you have to do is ask...
"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:6
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Why I Shouldn't Google...
If you are anything like me, you Google EVERYTHING... I mean that is what it is there for, right? Well, someone should have a site that tells you, "Maybe you shouldn't google that right now." Or, "Try that again later," kind of like the magic 8-ball thing from middle school... I was curious about the costs of IVF (in-vetro fertilization) since that could be the only possibility for us getting pregnant in the future... Well, thanks to google and MULTIPLE sites my eyes are the size of oranges... $10,000 to $12,000 PER CYCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know if all of you realize or not but I am a teacher... That is like 1/4 of my YEARLY salary... So, something that I thought might cheer me up has just pissed me off... I know, I know there are "payment plans" and blah, blah, blah... But, when you owe over $4000 already to pay off my May ectopic surgery, and then the Infusion lab chemo shot costs along with an ER visit in there, and all the blood work, geesh. Can I EVER get a break??? I need to win the lottery... I married a teacher/ coach so the whole "sugar daddy" thing is out of the picture. (AND just REALLY creepy.)
When I was going through my 1st ectopic the nurses told me to try and stay off Google... I nodded my head and immediately went home and jumped on the computer. When I had my methetrexate shot, I actually tried to stay off the computer but the infusion lab nurse told me to google it... I think I need a "Parental Control" lock that doesn't grant me access to ANY search engine.
So, for those of you going through this with me, or anything similar... Try to stay off Google, it can REALLY freak you out... And the TTC/ Pregnancy blogging sites are worse... Everyone has a sisters, cousins, uncles wife that had this and that... It will leave you cross-eyed and confused!!!
For now, that is all!!! :)
When I was going through my 1st ectopic the nurses told me to try and stay off Google... I nodded my head and immediately went home and jumped on the computer. When I had my methetrexate shot, I actually tried to stay off the computer but the infusion lab nurse told me to google it... I think I need a "Parental Control" lock that doesn't grant me access to ANY search engine.
So, for those of you going through this with me, or anything similar... Try to stay off Google, it can REALLY freak you out... And the TTC/ Pregnancy blogging sites are worse... Everyone has a sisters, cousins, uncles wife that had this and that... It will leave you cross-eyed and confused!!!
For now, that is all!!! :)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
here is my story
My story really begins the day I met my husband... Back in December of 2006. We met at a middle school basketball game of all things... Him being the basketball coach, me being the cheerleading coach and the rest is history. We married on July 13, 2008, the best day of my life!!!! I mean our 1st meal as a married couple was at Taco Bueno of all places, who can beat that!!!! (There is a story there but that's for another time, and another place.) He is my anchor, he keeps me steady when I am weak, wipes my tears when I am sad, and picks me up when I fall... He truly is the best thing that happened too me!!! :)
Well... About a year into being married we decided to shoot for this kid thing. I do what I do best and jumped into GOOGLE and started my search... I had friends who were trying to get pregnant, all of them super successful. I mean I was in 9th grade health, I saw the A&P birthing video, can it REALLY be that hard??? I thought, piece of cake... In no time we will have the positive pregnancy test and be down the road to picking out cute little furniture etc.
We got our first positive pregnancy test in August 2009... He was at work, so I took a picture of the positive test and text it too him, with the message, "You are going to be a daddy!!!" We were both SUPER excited... This is exactly what we wanted!!! I called the OB/GYN that I had gone to the year prior and was hit with the news that you have to wait until you are 10-12 weeks along to be seen. Well I was WAY too excited to accept that option and called around... I found my current OB who would see me at 6 weeks... PERFECT!!!! Made the appointment and was counting the days... I started spotting on a Sunday and by Tuesday it was blood... Panicking I called the nurse and was told to go to the ER. HOURS later I was sent home with the diagnosis of a "threatened spontaneous abortion" or in other words miscarriage. My Dr. later ruled it a miscarriage and reassured me that, "These things happen..." I was in shock, but the more people I talked with the more common I found out it was... Not that that makes it any better... After this, I pushed away the thought of having kids, or trying again for a while, I just wasn't ready I told myself. Well in reality I was just scared...
Fast forward to late April 2010... I was still in denial about trying to get pregnant again, and was having some in-between period bleeding... Calling the doctor, I was assured these things "happen" and it was probably nothing. The instincts kicked in and I decided that maybe I should run go buy a test... You never know, right??? My only other experience with spotting was the miscarriage. Well about 4 positive pregnancy tests later, I was stoked but worried at the same time. I was spotting, there was no reason to get all excited if I was just going to have a miscarriage again... The doctor of course didn't want to see me until I was 6 weeks, so not knowing when I "conceived" I just lied and said I was at least 6 weeks along... To make a long story short, 6 sonograms and 6 blood "donations" later, my doctor was at a loss... My levels registered me at 5 weeks, my calculations put me at 8 weeks... Something wasn't right... Sonograms showed a very "cystic" right ovary and "something" (literal words of the doctor) on the left side... ECTOPIC. I was told that it was possibly ectopic but the most common sign was a "ring of fire" that showed blood flow all around the "misplaced" baby. Thank you Johnny Cash b/c all that was going through my brain when the sonographer was telling me this was your lovely... "I fell into a burning ring of fire, I went down, down, down and the flames went higher..." I almost didn't hear her tell me that I needed to not eat anything after 9pm and not to drink anything after midnight b/c there was a POSSIBILITY of surgery the next afternoon. UM WHAT??? Yes, the next day I went in for surgery... Found out at 11:45am that I was going to have surgery and was out and going home by 5pm that same day... My doctor doesn't play around. Turns out I had 3 HUGE cysts on my right ovary, and an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube, I even have pictures of my insides and 3 little scars to prove it. I played it off like I was big and tough but I was totally dying on the inside. We weren't trying for this but it happened, and then it was gone all in the matter of 3 weeks. Talk about out of whack emotions...
We were told to wait 3 months before trying again, just to make sure everything was "healed." Man, when that 3 month mark hit... It was ON!!! 2 weeks later... Faint blue line baby!!! (TOTAL pun intended.) But, it was faint and my last two tries at this thing left me feeling super uneasy... LITERALLY 8 pregnancy tests later, they were all positive but faint, so I turned to the "big dog" of pregnancy tests. DIGITAL, bom bom... It HAD to tell me one way or the other... It told me what I knew in the back of my mind all along... "Pregnant." WAHOO!!!! Celebration time... Man, I was totally going with the thinking positive and knew everything was going to be okay. (Well I did struggle with the negative thoughts but seriously, I have nothing positive to pull from.) I called my doctor, and the nurse called back with the usual, "6 weeks" comment. I calmly told her that I had an ectopic only 3 months earlier and my doctor told me that she wanted me to make and appointment as soon as I got a positive test. She assured me that 6 weeks was fine and made the appointment.
That Friday my phone rang on the way home and my doctor was calling... Weird, doctors don't call patients directly. She wanted to know why my appointment was 2 weeks away still if I had gotten a positive test... I explained what the nurse told me, and stating her irritation she scheduled my appointment for the following Friday. Ending that conversation she asked if I felt confident about this pregnancy, and I assured her I did. I mean there was no spotting, I had nausea, and my ta-ta's hurt... That meant it was stable.
Sunday, yes two days later... Getting ready to head out for breakfast and grocery shopping I run use the rest room before we leave and notice blood. FREAKING out, I call the on call number for my doctor explain my not so short history with the message machine, frantically trying to remember to tell her my name and phone number. Within minutes my phone rings... And once again I am struck with the words, "Go to the ER." ER, and four hours later, our worst fears are explained to us as if I have sprained my ankle... It looks like there is a mass right up against or next to your RIGHT ovary. WAIT, you are kidding right?? I just had that ovary cleaned off, there shouldn't be anything near it, and now you are telling me there is a possible ECTOPIC pregnancy there... I can't tell you what went through my mind, as I was in shock at what they were telling me. My WORST fears were confirmed with a doctors visit on Monday afternoon. Yes, it was ectopic, and yes it was on the OPPOSITE side from the last one. My doctors EXACT words were, "You HAVE to be kidding me." Yeah, she summed up what I was thinking... She told me that I was early enough along to not need surgery. (Thank you.) But, I needed to go the next morning (yes the next morning) to the infusion lab for a methetrexate shot. (For anyone who talked to me right after that appointment, I definitely didn't know how to pronounce, let alone spell METHETREXATE.)
Tuesday morning, I follow directions and check in and are given directions to the "infusion lab." No one tells you that all that means is that is where people with cancer get their chemotherapy "infusions." I walked into the lab and was by far at least 20 years younger than everyone else in the place. I was scared. A little while later I had my 2 shots of methetrexate, one in each booty cheek, and was sent on my way. Um, OK do you realize that this shot immediately STOPS ALL RAPIDLY GROWING CELLS. I just got a shot that is going to kill this baby. I felt guilty, I felt like a horrible person.
For at least 5 weeks after the shot, I went once a week for blood work. I started calling it my weekly "vampire visit" b/c I would frequently have two "jab" marks from one of the nurses who liked to "roll" my veins. (OWIE!!!)
Being cleared for about 2 weeks now feels great... As great as you can feel knowing that your body doesn't work the way its supposed too... Feeling like the one thing a girl is raised to believe she is supposed to do might not ever happen naturally. I am not bitter about my situation... I am not angry with those around me share their joy of pregnancy. I only ache to know what that feels like, and know there is the possibility I will never know. God has a plan for my life, and I know that... HE has been nothing but wonderful and has blessed me with so many things in my life that I am truly gracious and thankful. He has a plan for my life, He will give me what I need.
In the mean time, I have been referred to a specialist for an HSG. No, I am NOT confusing it with HCG... It is a procedure that will shoot not only dye but air through my tubes to make sure there is not blockages, and to see what this keeps happening to me. My specialist doctor will get to be the one that delivers the news, either good or bad, and I am ready for that. I mean his last name is the same as my dad's first name, so he HAS to be a great guy!!! :) The only bad thing about this test is that it has to fall in a certain time during my "28 day cycle." So, while in every month in the past I have been praying for AF to not come visit, this month I am begging her to come soon!!! I am ready for some answers, I feel like I am grasping at straws right now and I hate feeling like that...
So, here is my story... It is only the beginning. God has great things planned for us, I just know it!
Well... About a year into being married we decided to shoot for this kid thing. I do what I do best and jumped into GOOGLE and started my search... I had friends who were trying to get pregnant, all of them super successful. I mean I was in 9th grade health, I saw the A&P birthing video, can it REALLY be that hard??? I thought, piece of cake... In no time we will have the positive pregnancy test and be down the road to picking out cute little furniture etc.
We got our first positive pregnancy test in August 2009... He was at work, so I took a picture of the positive test and text it too him, with the message, "You are going to be a daddy!!!" We were both SUPER excited... This is exactly what we wanted!!! I called the OB/GYN that I had gone to the year prior and was hit with the news that you have to wait until you are 10-12 weeks along to be seen. Well I was WAY too excited to accept that option and called around... I found my current OB who would see me at 6 weeks... PERFECT!!!! Made the appointment and was counting the days... I started spotting on a Sunday and by Tuesday it was blood... Panicking I called the nurse and was told to go to the ER. HOURS later I was sent home with the diagnosis of a "threatened spontaneous abortion" or in other words miscarriage. My Dr. later ruled it a miscarriage and reassured me that, "These things happen..." I was in shock, but the more people I talked with the more common I found out it was... Not that that makes it any better... After this, I pushed away the thought of having kids, or trying again for a while, I just wasn't ready I told myself. Well in reality I was just scared...
Fast forward to late April 2010... I was still in denial about trying to get pregnant again, and was having some in-between period bleeding... Calling the doctor, I was assured these things "happen" and it was probably nothing. The instincts kicked in and I decided that maybe I should run go buy a test... You never know, right??? My only other experience with spotting was the miscarriage. Well about 4 positive pregnancy tests later, I was stoked but worried at the same time. I was spotting, there was no reason to get all excited if I was just going to have a miscarriage again... The doctor of course didn't want to see me until I was 6 weeks, so not knowing when I "conceived" I just lied and said I was at least 6 weeks along... To make a long story short, 6 sonograms and 6 blood "donations" later, my doctor was at a loss... My levels registered me at 5 weeks, my calculations put me at 8 weeks... Something wasn't right... Sonograms showed a very "cystic" right ovary and "something" (literal words of the doctor) on the left side... ECTOPIC. I was told that it was possibly ectopic but the most common sign was a "ring of fire" that showed blood flow all around the "misplaced" baby. Thank you Johnny Cash b/c all that was going through my brain when the sonographer was telling me this was your lovely... "I fell into a burning ring of fire, I went down, down, down and the flames went higher..." I almost didn't hear her tell me that I needed to not eat anything after 9pm and not to drink anything after midnight b/c there was a POSSIBILITY of surgery the next afternoon. UM WHAT??? Yes, the next day I went in for surgery... Found out at 11:45am that I was going to have surgery and was out and going home by 5pm that same day... My doctor doesn't play around. Turns out I had 3 HUGE cysts on my right ovary, and an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube, I even have pictures of my insides and 3 little scars to prove it. I played it off like I was big and tough but I was totally dying on the inside. We weren't trying for this but it happened, and then it was gone all in the matter of 3 weeks. Talk about out of whack emotions...
We were told to wait 3 months before trying again, just to make sure everything was "healed." Man, when that 3 month mark hit... It was ON!!! 2 weeks later... Faint blue line baby!!! (TOTAL pun intended.) But, it was faint and my last two tries at this thing left me feeling super uneasy... LITERALLY 8 pregnancy tests later, they were all positive but faint, so I turned to the "big dog" of pregnancy tests. DIGITAL, bom bom... It HAD to tell me one way or the other... It told me what I knew in the back of my mind all along... "Pregnant." WAHOO!!!! Celebration time... Man, I was totally going with the thinking positive and knew everything was going to be okay. (Well I did struggle with the negative thoughts but seriously, I have nothing positive to pull from.) I called my doctor, and the nurse called back with the usual, "6 weeks" comment. I calmly told her that I had an ectopic only 3 months earlier and my doctor told me that she wanted me to make and appointment as soon as I got a positive test. She assured me that 6 weeks was fine and made the appointment.
That Friday my phone rang on the way home and my doctor was calling... Weird, doctors don't call patients directly. She wanted to know why my appointment was 2 weeks away still if I had gotten a positive test... I explained what the nurse told me, and stating her irritation she scheduled my appointment for the following Friday. Ending that conversation she asked if I felt confident about this pregnancy, and I assured her I did. I mean there was no spotting, I had nausea, and my ta-ta's hurt... That meant it was stable.
Sunday, yes two days later... Getting ready to head out for breakfast and grocery shopping I run use the rest room before we leave and notice blood. FREAKING out, I call the on call number for my doctor explain my not so short history with the message machine, frantically trying to remember to tell her my name and phone number. Within minutes my phone rings... And once again I am struck with the words, "Go to the ER." ER, and four hours later, our worst fears are explained to us as if I have sprained my ankle... It looks like there is a mass right up against or next to your RIGHT ovary. WAIT, you are kidding right?? I just had that ovary cleaned off, there shouldn't be anything near it, and now you are telling me there is a possible ECTOPIC pregnancy there... I can't tell you what went through my mind, as I was in shock at what they were telling me. My WORST fears were confirmed with a doctors visit on Monday afternoon. Yes, it was ectopic, and yes it was on the OPPOSITE side from the last one. My doctors EXACT words were, "You HAVE to be kidding me." Yeah, she summed up what I was thinking... She told me that I was early enough along to not need surgery. (Thank you.) But, I needed to go the next morning (yes the next morning) to the infusion lab for a methetrexate shot. (For anyone who talked to me right after that appointment, I definitely didn't know how to pronounce, let alone spell METHETREXATE.)
Tuesday morning, I follow directions and check in and are given directions to the "infusion lab." No one tells you that all that means is that is where people with cancer get their chemotherapy "infusions." I walked into the lab and was by far at least 20 years younger than everyone else in the place. I was scared. A little while later I had my 2 shots of methetrexate, one in each booty cheek, and was sent on my way. Um, OK do you realize that this shot immediately STOPS ALL RAPIDLY GROWING CELLS. I just got a shot that is going to kill this baby. I felt guilty, I felt like a horrible person.
For at least 5 weeks after the shot, I went once a week for blood work. I started calling it my weekly "vampire visit" b/c I would frequently have two "jab" marks from one of the nurses who liked to "roll" my veins. (OWIE!!!)
Being cleared for about 2 weeks now feels great... As great as you can feel knowing that your body doesn't work the way its supposed too... Feeling like the one thing a girl is raised to believe she is supposed to do might not ever happen naturally. I am not bitter about my situation... I am not angry with those around me share their joy of pregnancy. I only ache to know what that feels like, and know there is the possibility I will never know. God has a plan for my life, and I know that... HE has been nothing but wonderful and has blessed me with so many things in my life that I am truly gracious and thankful. He has a plan for my life, He will give me what I need.
In the mean time, I have been referred to a specialist for an HSG. No, I am NOT confusing it with HCG... It is a procedure that will shoot not only dye but air through my tubes to make sure there is not blockages, and to see what this keeps happening to me. My specialist doctor will get to be the one that delivers the news, either good or bad, and I am ready for that. I mean his last name is the same as my dad's first name, so he HAS to be a great guy!!! :) The only bad thing about this test is that it has to fall in a certain time during my "28 day cycle." So, while in every month in the past I have been praying for AF to not come visit, this month I am begging her to come soon!!! I am ready for some answers, I feel like I am grasping at straws right now and I hate feeling like that...
So, here is my story... It is only the beginning. God has great things planned for us, I just know it!
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