breaking the year long silence...

I know its technically been a little over a year since I have posted... But its been exactly a year since we began a new journey in our lives...

Looking through my old email this morning (I was trying to do a little "spring cleaning") I noticed the reminder from 5/5/2011 about our New Patient appointment with the Center for Assisted Reproduction.  Yes, our very first appoitnment with Dr. (man) Doody about the possibility of IVF and our future for trying to concieve. 

I still remember leaving that appointment, Brian and I both giddy with excitement about the positive outlook for our future... There was nothing wrong with my ovaries, nor was there anything wrong with the "oven."  My pipes were just a little messed up... Well, my PIPE was blocked, I lost the other one with the last tubal pregnancy loss.  BUT, that meant we were PERFECT candidates for the IVF (in-vitro fertilization) process.  The price was quite a hit, and the process from beginning to end was long and very enduring.

God not only provided the means for finding the money, but also the perfect timing of setting up my "cycle calendar." 

We began the actual process on May 31st... If you have never been through an IVF process, or known someone who has here is what it is like... You begin with AF arriving, and on CD 1 (cycle day) you begin taking birth control pills so that the doctors have total control over your ovaries, etc.  (No early ovulation, etc.)  IVF Day 1 (usually CD 3-4) you get a sonogram and begin your 1st shot of hormones, these stop and prevent you from ovulating or having any eggs mature.  And they do a mock transfer where they measure via sonogram to know exactly where your ovaries/ "oven" are located.

For a week you take the BC pill, and the 1st hormone shots... Then you get to stop the BC, but continue just the 1st hormone for 2 days, on the 3rd day of the 1st hormone you then have a "baseline sono" to see what your egg makers look like... They do blood work to measure some hormone levels and to know what your dosage will be for the next 2 hormone shots you add...

So, for the next 10-12 days you are taking 3 different hormone shots, one that stops your ovaries from ovulating, the other two are working together to make a bunch of little bitty eggs... Our kitchen table looked like a pharmacy with all these 100 million parts and pieces and medications etc.  I think we might actually still have some in our fridge... Probably need to throw those away!  This whole time you are going every 2 days for blood work, & every 4 for a sono to look at your egg makers.

Day 12... You stop all hormone shots and then take a "trigger shot" that allows your ovaries to finally mature and be ready to ovulate all the little eggs it was making...

Then a few days later they give you the "twilight" sleep (and no there are no vampires or ware wolves involved) and go in and take your eggs (I still picture the doctor with a basket lined with a red and white checkered cloth walking into the hen house to collect the eggs, I am weird)... The lab does the dirty work and you go back about 5 days later for them to implant the embryos.

You get pictures and updates on how many eggs were retrieved, how many fertilized, and how they are growing... We chose to transfer two, and ended up being able to freeze three more. 

After the transfer comes the longest NINE days of your entire life... I swear it was really like 9 YEARS but I know it was only days... No matter what you try to do to keep busy, it doesn't help...  On day 9 you go for the pregnancy test... NOW, I haven't met ANYONE who hasn't bought at least FIVE home pregnancy tests to take before the one from the doctor.  Yes, me included...

I got a faint, faint, like maybe if I hold it this way in the light it might be two lines test the day of my actual doctor visit... I didn't think I was actually pregnant.

We went first thing and then decided to go antiquing to waste some time... I will always remember the exact antique booth I was in, and the stool I decided to sit on when I saw the incoming call... It was POSITIVE, I was PREGNANT!!!! 

OK, so we were so happy, I was shaking and then the reality of our past losses overcame me like a huge shadow. I had to make it another almost 2 weeks for a confirmation sonogram.  The thoughts of, could it still be an ectopic, what if I miscarry, etc were with me night and day... 

Fast forward... I would love to say the worried thoughts went away as the weeks progressed... But, up until he was in my arms for the very first time I worried about the pregnancy and the things that could go wrong, etc.  It's very hard not too when all you know is loss...

I had a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy, ha ha but really it was compared to many... LOTS of ravaging morning sickness through almost 20 weeks (I was on prescription meds for weeks and weeks and weeks, and still would get sick).  Then around 26 weeks began contracting, NON STOP until I was close to 37 weeks when they began to taper off (Ended up in L&D twice for contractions, once having to be observed overnight)... Ended up being the result of POLYHYDRAMNIOS, in lamens terms, too much amniotic fluid, which meant lots of extra weight gain and lots of extra swelling. 

I gained almost 50 pounds because of that and what turned out to be a really big baby.

Many were clueless to the knowledge we were pregnant for most or all of the nine months... We decided early on to keep it within the family and very close friends.  When I started showing it was easy to keep my belly out of pictures that might appear on social media type sites, but word got out none the less...  To be honest I was scared pretty much the entire pregnancy of something happening and not wanting to explain to people I honestly haven't had an in-person conversation with in over 12 years.  After a little while it just became second nature to not mention anything...

March 12, 2012 at 12:02am we welcomed our MIRACLE CHILD into this world via c-section.  He is beautiful, amazing and ultimately the greatest gift God could have ever given us.  The feeling of being a mom to my little guy is an overwhelming sensation... I love him more than life itself! 

I have mixed emotions over sharing stories and pictures and talking about the love I have for my child because I know that quite a few of my friends are struggling to get that positive pregnancy test, or struggling to have a successful pregnancy go full term. Those dear friends are in my heart all of the time, and I pray for them that God knows your deepest hearts desire every day.

I just wanted to share why we have kept so quiet over the last year...

Our journey is not over, as I was kindly reminded when we got the "frozen embryo storage" bill in the mail this last week... Only on pause so we can enjoy this time with our little man and watch the AWEsome work of God each day!