Is it too late to wish for a Christmas miracle??

So, as I sat in church earlier today I wondered to myself, "You don't hear about Christmas miracles much anymore."  We celebrate the one true CHRISTmas Miracle every December 25th, as in Jesus' birth... But, it feels like growing up I was always hearing about someone miraculously making it home for the Holiday's or somehow someone was able to buy Christmas presents after all, and not to mention all the beautiful Christmas babies born... (Speaking of: can my niece Josalyn come on now... We want a Christmas baby!)

So, my thought this Christmas is more of a plead to the BIG MAN upstairs, and no that's not a fat joke about Brian... I am talking about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit... Can I be the recipient of a Christmas miracle??  And, the miracle I am hoping for is the one in the form of a positive pregnancy test FOLLOWED UP by a POSITIVE (as in happy) Doctor visit saying everything is NORMAL and HEALTHY... At this point I don't know if that positive pregnancy test would cause as much joy as it does with so many other women... See I have had a positive pregnancy test before... THREE TIMES!!!  So, my view of getting pregnant is a bit jaded with the immediate negative thoughts... "Is this one another tubal?"  "Will I end up having a miscarriage again, etc"

I HATE THAT... I want the utter jubilation that comes with the two pink lines.

My Christmas miracle wouldn't quite be a miracle at Christmas... Except for the fact that the miracle in itself would be conception at or around the months following Christmas and then a HEALTHY implantation around New Years or the months following...

As you pray over family and friends over the next few months, give the BIG MAN a shout out for me... In the form of OPEN MY DARN TUBES enough to let a little bean get through...

Merry CHRISTmas to you dear friends and family... I love you all!!!  Remember: pray for the Christmas miracle... Even if maybe it doesn't come until a few months down the road, it will still be my miracle...

And lastly... Remember me and the women like me this time of year... We don't like hearing all your complaints about being pregnant... Believe me, we would take and combine ALL our preggo friends complaints just to have the joy of the experience of  being pregnant.  This time of year is especially hard on me... I can't wait for Brian to get to play "Daddy Santa" and for us to have the joy of a little one waking us up early on Christmas morning...

Good night... and Merry Christmas!!! :)

seriously?!?!

OK, so I might have to take a leave of absence from Facebook until further notice... It seems like EVERY time I log on someone else is pregnant, or posting about pregnancy...  Now, don't get me wrong, while I am excited for everyone being able to begin that journey or to add to their family, it just seems a little overwhelming right now...  WAY TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.  I thought I was SO past this, "Why not me?" thing but I am so most definitely not...

I wish this was different, I wish my feelings were different and that it didn't almost bring me to tears every time I see someones post that they get to experience the ONE thing I want SO BADLY!

I didn't want to become the girl who wants this so bad that everyone else's joy sends me to tears... I guess right now that is what I have to settle for...

Literally I can count 10 people I know who are in some stage of their pregnancy right now... And, sadly I can count almost as many struggling to get pregnant like we are...

This is a sad post for me... I really didn't want to ever feel this way but after this week I most definitely do.  There are a couple of people who I am really excited to hear their news, people who have been where I am,  and those people who have been where I am they have overcome this...

I am sure this post will make some people mad... Sad, or even to the point of not wanting to read this anymore... Please know my feelings will pass, and I will be able to move past this but right now its all I can think about...

I think I am just overwhelmed...

Thank you, I needed to hear that...

Last night's message at church spoke right to my heart and I had to share...  The title of the series right now is, "All I Want For Christmas" and yesterday's lesson was on LOVE.  I went in to the message thinking it was going to be about "loving" everyone this time of year, and we are all for World Peace, etc, etc.  What the message was really about caught me off guard...

I Cannot Experience the Love of Others if I Cannot Love Myself...

A one of the main points was about resisting the impulse to HATE myself b/c all that = is depression

I think in this journey we are on, the roller coaster of infertility, it is hard NOT to HATE ourselves.  We have been raised to believe a woman's soul purpose on earth is to be a mother.  When that isn't happening, we question ourselves, we wonder what WE DID WRONG along the way that is causing our wombs to be empty month after month.  We cannot experience the LOVE FROM A CHILD if we do not love ourselves.  Not to mention the unconditional LOVE of our spouse who is on this journey with us.  We have to stop beating ourselves up every month when we wake up on that dreaded morning and realize once again it didn't happen this month... This totally opened my eyes and made me realize I have been holding so much in for so long and I need to forgive myself, and learn to love myself again... So, that is my goal: Re-learn to love myself...

The other thing we tend to do is to get angry...  We don't love ourselves, so it's easy to push that anger onto someone else... I know going through this very emotional and hormonal battle, I at times get angry and the person I tend to take it out on the most is my Hubby.  He definitely doesn't deserve it, we are in this together.

The message went on to talk about "Living out your God created Identity" and making you self reflect on the question, "Is there any truth about myself I've been denying, avoiding, or covering up?"  Now, that is a hard question to answer on the inside, and for sure not one I want to admit "yes" out loud but I am sure we can all answer that with a "yes" on some level.  I have been harboring so much anger and self- doubt and just flat out worry and fear for so long, I have been avoiding a lot about LIFE in general. I am done beating myself up... I am done worrying over every little thing... I am DONE with trying to micro manage or control every aspect of my life... I am truly letting go and giving this over to God...

I have decided to write out everything negative that comes to mind, whether it be something I have done in the past, or just negative thoughts about myself and I am going to have a little back-yard old school bonfire and burn all those negative things... I know it is only a physical act, and most of those things are mental... But, to me that physical act of burning the bad, is what I need to get over, and move on...  And I haven't had a good "burn the bad bonfire" since I was in HS (Adrienne & Shirley remember that?)

Anyone want to come roast marshmallows?

I am going to go into Christmas and the New Year with a positive outlook, and all the while RE-LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF!!!

Something that has been on my heart...

I want to start an infertility outreach or support network in North Texas or even the Mid-Cities area for women that struggle with infertility, no matter what their case may be... Someplace they can go to "escape" when things get overwhelming, a place full of caring people and resources (lots) to stray people from the internet misinformation, someplace where other people know EXACTLY what they are going through and can truly be the ones to comfort and support, and uplift.  Whether it be PCOS w/ no Ovulation, Secondary Infertility, Failed IVF, Ectopic, Blocked/ Scarred Tubes, or even those just having to work a little harder than most to conceive.  I feel like some people are embarrassed at this concept, and most of the time people have no idea that infertility is as common as it is (1 in 8 couples), especially those couples who can look at each other and conceive.  That thought always makes me giggle a little... This idea has been placed on my heart, and I am going to continue to pray about it, knowing that I will eventually get the sign of how to proceed.  I have always wanted to author a book, and I have had a few ideas and may contact some of the wonderful women who I have crossed paths with since we began the infertility journey.  So, all I ask for now is prayers to have God show me what he wants me to do from here...

Praying for all my wonderful women who are in this battle for mommyhood with me... :)

God, I'm tapped in...

God is truly amazing... Just when you let your shoulders droop for a second he whispers in your ear to let you know he is still here.  I had one of those moments today, and I am glad that I have become a lot more "tapped in" with God over the last 6 months so that I am able to realize he is whispering in my ear, and to acknowledge that He is truly GREAT!  I think so many times throughout this time of year we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the "season" and a lot of time forget the "reason" for all the celebration.  This year I want nothing more than for my relationship to continue to grow, and to further my walk with Christ. I would not be as strong as I am now if it weren't for Him tapping me on the shoulder, and whispering in my ear letting me know that I had strayed from Him, and feeling totally embraced by God the minute Brian and I walked into Fellowship of the Parks this summer.  All those out there that struggle with this concept, man you are missing out on something truly awesome!

Ok, this little rant is done...

It's Been a While My Friends...

Well so until someone asked me about my blog the other day, I had totally forgotten I had one... Wow, for someone only 28, I sure feel senile at times!

A LOT has happened since my last post...  So, here we go:

I have officially switched from my previous OB to a new one, who has about 1200 letters after his name, so that means he has to be a good doctor right??  He specializes in fertility issues, and has been a total God-sent.

Visit #1 with Dr. Awesome:  Within 30 minutes, I had my HSG procedure and found out that my left tube is completely blocked, but my right was open and looked good on the sonogram.  I was ovulating from the left side that month, so BE CAREFUL was what he told us.  I learned more about not ONLY my tubes and what to do but MORE information about what I had been through the last 12 months.   With the scary fact that my September 2010 pregnancy could "possibly" have been a viable pregnancy but with my ectopic history and ONE sign pointing to that diagnosis my OLD OB went ahead with the Methetrexate shot.  I don't even want to ponder that one longer than it takes me to type it...

Now, do you see why I switched to Dr. Awesome???

Visit #2 with Dr. Awesome: my official "switching" over, and a "where to go from here."  Met with Awesome and he went over AGAIN my HSG test results, took a lengthy medical history and then told me flat out there are a few options.  1- Try on our own for a few more months, since we had been successful at getting preggo in the past. 2- Go on a round of Clomid to make me produce multiple eggs each month, ensuring that I ovulate at least one on the RIGHT side. (Good side) and 3- an exploratory surgery to really get a good look at what is going on inside my body.  He didn't like #3, and neither did I since I am STILL paying off my May surgery!  But, FIRST he wanted a "swimmer test" run on Brian.  A purse FULL of pre-natal vitamins and a follow up appointment on Dec. 6th was scheduled.

Well 3rd time is the charm for the "man test" apparently.  After a very scary test run, with the possibility of never having kids as a result... I will leave out any more for the sake of embarrassment of my hubby!

Dec. 6 Follow Up: Dr. Awesome has decided after the "man test" and my history etc that we are young, and he recommends trying on our own for a few more months.  After my "cost" comment in a previous appointment he says he wants to save us the money on the Clomid right now.  That sounds good to me... Man its been an expensive year!  He says we have to do the fancy Ovulation test kids and I have to keep track of that junk, and as soon as I "feel pregnant" to call and they will begin to chart my blood tests etc. He considers me "high risk" and so I get the SPECIAL TREATMENT!!!  So, all you pregnant or soon to be pregnant ladies out there, while you are waiting until weeks 6-12 for your 1st appointment... If I think I MIGHT have MAYBE even a little bit be pregnant then I get to go in for the blood test.  Not that I am bragging at all, this actually sucks... But, the last thing Dr. Awesome said was, "Go make us a Christmas baby." So, we are going to do as he says... And make that Christmas baby happen!!!  FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!

Lots of prayers have been answered, I feel better... I know the hubby feels better... We have some answers, we have some orders LOTS OF PRAYERS, and hope it's Gods timing! :)

Until next time...