here is my story

My story really begins the day I met my husband... Back in December of 2006.  We met at a middle school basketball game of all things... Him being the basketball coach, me being the cheerleading coach and the rest is history.  We married on July 13, 2008, the best day of my life!!!!  I mean our 1st meal as a married couple was at Taco Bueno of all places, who can beat that!!!!  (There is a story there but that's for another time, and another place.)  He is my anchor, he keeps me steady when I am weak, wipes my tears when I am sad, and picks me up when I fall... He truly is the best thing that happened too me!!! :)

Well... About a year into being married we decided to shoot for this kid thing.  I do what I do best and jumped into GOOGLE and started my search... I had friends who were trying to get pregnant, all of them super successful.  I mean I was in 9th grade health, I saw the A&P birthing video, can it REALLY be that hard???  I thought, piece of cake... In no time we will have the positive pregnancy test and be down the road to picking out cute little furniture etc.

We got our first positive pregnancy test in August 2009... He was at work, so I took a picture of the positive test and text it too him, with the message, "You are going to be a daddy!!!"  We were both SUPER excited... This is exactly what we wanted!!!  I called the OB/GYN that I had gone to the year prior and was hit with the news that you have to wait until you are 10-12 weeks along to be seen.  Well I was WAY too excited to accept that option and called around... I found my current OB who would see me at 6 weeks... PERFECT!!!!  Made the appointment and was counting the days... I started spotting on a Sunday and by Tuesday it was blood... Panicking I called the nurse and was told to go to the ER.  HOURS later I was sent home with the diagnosis of a "threatened spontaneous abortion" or in other words miscarriage.  My Dr. later ruled it a miscarriage and reassured me that, "These things happen..."  I was in shock, but the more people I talked with the more common I found out it was... Not that that makes it any better... After this, I pushed away the thought of having kids, or trying again for a while, I just wasn't ready I told myself.  Well in reality I was just scared...

Fast forward to late April 2010... I was still in denial about trying to get pregnant again, and was having some in-between period bleeding...  Calling the doctor, I was assured these things "happen" and it was probably nothing.  The instincts kicked in and I decided that maybe I should run go buy a test... You never know, right???  My only other experience with spotting was the miscarriage.  Well about 4 positive pregnancy tests later, I was stoked but worried at the same time.  I was spotting, there was no reason to get all excited if I was just going to have a miscarriage again... The doctor of course didn't want to see me until I was 6 weeks, so not knowing when I "conceived" I just lied and said I was at least 6 weeks along...  To make a long story short, 6 sonograms and 6 blood "donations" later, my doctor was at a loss... My levels registered me at 5 weeks, my calculations put me at 8 weeks... Something wasn't right...  Sonograms showed a very "cystic" right ovary and "something" (literal words of the doctor) on the left side... ECTOPIC.  I was told that it was possibly ectopic but the most common sign was a "ring of fire" that showed blood flow all around the "misplaced" baby.  Thank you Johnny Cash b/c all that was going through my brain when the sonographer was telling me this was your lovely... "I fell into a burning ring of fire, I went down, down, down and the flames went higher..."  I almost didn't hear her tell me that I needed to not eat anything after 9pm and not to drink anything after midnight b/c there was a POSSIBILITY of surgery the next afternoon.  UM WHAT???  Yes, the next day I went in for surgery... Found out at 11:45am that I was going to have surgery and was out and going home by 5pm that same day... My doctor doesn't play around.  Turns out I had 3 HUGE cysts on my right ovary, and an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube, I even have pictures of my insides and 3 little scars to prove it.  I played it off like I was big and tough but I was totally dying on the inside.  We weren't trying for this but it happened, and then it was gone all in the matter of 3 weeks.  Talk about out of whack emotions...

We were told to wait 3 months before trying again, just to make sure everything was "healed."  Man, when that 3 month mark hit... It was ON!!!  2 weeks later... Faint blue line baby!!! (TOTAL pun intended.)  But, it was faint and my last two tries at this thing left me feeling super uneasy...  LITERALLY 8 pregnancy tests later, they were all positive but faint, so I turned to the "big dog" of pregnancy tests.  DIGITAL, bom bom... It HAD to tell me one way or the other... It told me what I knew in the back of my mind all along... "Pregnant."  WAHOO!!!!  Celebration time... Man, I was totally going with the thinking positive and knew everything was going to be okay.  (Well I did struggle with the negative thoughts but seriously, I have nothing positive to pull from.)  I called my doctor, and the nurse called back with the usual, "6 weeks" comment.  I calmly told her that I had an ectopic only 3 months earlier and my doctor told me that she wanted me to make and appointment as soon as I got a positive test.  She assured me that 6 weeks was fine and made the appointment.

That Friday my phone rang on the way home and my doctor was calling... Weird, doctors don't call patients directly. She wanted to know why my appointment was 2 weeks away still if I had gotten a positive test... I explained what the nurse told me, and stating her irritation she scheduled my appointment for the following Friday.  Ending that conversation she asked if I felt confident about this pregnancy, and I assured her I did.  I mean there was no spotting, I had nausea, and my ta-ta's hurt... That meant it was stable.

Sunday, yes two days later... Getting ready to head out for breakfast and grocery shopping I run use the rest room before we leave and notice blood.  FREAKING out, I call the on call number for my doctor explain my not so short history with the message machine, frantically trying to remember to tell her my name and phone number.  Within minutes my phone rings... And once again I am struck with the words, "Go to the ER."  ER, and four hours later, our worst fears are explained to us as if I have sprained my ankle... It looks like there is a mass right up against or next to your RIGHT ovary.  WAIT, you are kidding right??  I just had that ovary cleaned off, there shouldn't be anything near it, and now you are telling me there is a possible ECTOPIC pregnancy there...  I can't tell you what went through my mind, as I was in shock at what they were telling me.  My WORST fears were confirmed with a doctors visit on Monday afternoon.  Yes, it was ectopic, and yes it was on the OPPOSITE side from the last one.  My doctors EXACT words were, "You HAVE to be kidding me."  Yeah, she summed up what I was thinking... She told me that I was early enough along to not need surgery. (Thank you.) But, I needed to go the next morning (yes the next morning) to the infusion lab for a methetrexate shot.  (For anyone who talked to me right after that appointment, I definitely didn't know how to pronounce, let alone spell METHETREXATE.)

Tuesday morning, I follow directions and check in and are given directions to the "infusion lab."  No one tells you that all that means is that is where people with cancer get their chemotherapy "infusions."  I walked into the lab and was by far at least 20 years younger than everyone else in the place.  I was scared.  A little while later I had my 2 shots of methetrexate, one in each booty cheek, and was sent on my way.  Um, OK do you realize that this shot immediately STOPS ALL RAPIDLY GROWING CELLS.  I just got a shot that is going to kill this baby.  I felt guilty, I felt like a horrible person. 

For at least 5 weeks after the shot, I went once a week for blood work.  I started calling it my weekly "vampire visit" b/c I would frequently have two "jab" marks from one of the nurses who liked to "roll" my veins.  (OWIE!!!) 

Being cleared for about 2 weeks now feels great... As great as you can feel knowing that your body doesn't work the way its supposed too... Feeling like the one thing a girl is raised to believe she is supposed to do might not ever happen naturally.  I am not bitter about my situation... I am not angry with those around me share their joy of pregnancy.  I only ache to know what that feels like, and know there is the possibility I will never know.  God has a plan for my life, and I know that... HE has been nothing but wonderful and has blessed me with so many things in my life that I am truly gracious and thankful.  He has a plan for my life, He will give me what I need.

In the mean time, I have been referred to a specialist for an HSG.  No, I am NOT confusing it with HCG... It is a procedure that will shoot not only dye but air through my tubes to make sure there is not blockages, and to see what this keeps happening to me.  My specialist doctor will get to be the one that delivers the news, either good or bad, and I am ready for that.  I mean his last name is the same as my dad's first name, so he HAS to be a great guy!!! :)  The only bad thing about this test is that it has to fall in a certain time during my "28 day cycle."  So, while in every month in the past I have been praying for AF to not come visit, this month I am begging her to come soon!!!  I am ready for some answers, I feel like I am grasping at straws right now and I hate feeling like that...

So, here is my story...  It is only the beginning.  God has great things planned for us, I just know it!