I have to start by thanking Amanda Webb, without her and the fact that God laid it upon her heart to pass along this book, I would not be writing this post right now... On Sunday night I was given the book, "Heaven is for Real" written by Todd Burpo. I don't want to give too much of the story away but I have not been able to stop reading it since Monday. (If you know my schedule during the week, you know that the time I actually get to read is minimal.) YOU HAVE TO GET THE BOOK... If you even acknowledge there is a God, you HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK!!!
There is a chapter titled, "Two Sisters" where Colton (the little boy in the story) walks up to his mom and having no prior knowledge proceeds to tell his mom that he has two sisters. Long story short (and to not give away much of the book) the 2nd sister he is talking about is the baby that was lost due to a miscarriage between his older sister Cassie and himself. He met his sister in Heaven, and the sister said she could not wait to meet his parents someday. They ask Colton his sisters name, and he says she didn't have one because the parents didn't name her...
I WILL SEE MY BABIES ONE DAY... THEY ARE IN HEAVEN WATCHING DOWN ON ME AND THEY CAN'T WAIT TO MEET ME ALSO...
This gave me a peace that I cannot put into words... Now, when I think of the four that I have lost I am happy, I smile and while there might be a tear in my eye, its only there because I am overjoyed. God IS GREAT!
I have to be honest for a minute: I have never really put a lot of thought into my failed pregnancies (ectopic or miscarriage) as a baby... Well in the sense of holding a baby, rocking a baby, and watching that baby grow. Yeah, sure they are 50% me, and 50% Brian but they never made it past 8 or 9 weeks, does that really count as a baby? The answer is YES. I have four beautiful children waiting for me in Heaven. God has adopted my earthly children, and will take care of them for me until the day we are reunited.
I am no longer scared of going to Heaven...
The only part of the book that really made me sad was knowing that the baby didn't have a name. I want Brian and I to give our babies names, they need names in Heaven, and they need names in my heart. SO, I have complied a list of names, and over the next few weeks I want Brian and I to name the four little ones we have lost... It won't be an easy process but I know it will help bring Brian and I closer, and that is what we need.
The dream I talked about a few posts ago, after reading this book I think might have another meaning... In the dream the little girl is, "special." The dream took place in a hospital, and the baby girl has some physical abnormalities. I wonder if this was God and our baby girls way of letting me hold her in my arms, and make her mine before God took her into his heavenly kingdom?
Ok, I am done... GO GET THIS BOOK!!!! I BEG YOU... "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
ready to cry?
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown
Monday, March 14, 2011
the 5 worst letters...
S.O.R.R.Y.
I literally at times HATE those letters put together... I mean what does "sorry" really mean? Its said so often as a fallback, something that fills that awkward space in a conversation when something not so happy is shared. Well I don't like being told that people feel sorry for me... I don't feel sorry for me so why should someone else. Yes, this situation sucks, and I wouldn't wish this struggle on my worst of enemies but sorry doesn't play into it anywhere...
Dictionary.com defines SORRY as: feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.
(well maybe the week before pay day), USELESS or PITIFUL... Okay, then please don't tell me you are sorry.
I know it is the easiest thing to say, especially when you can't find or know the words to say much else. Many people cannot fully understand or grasp what this is like, and I know that... I couldn't fully grasp what it was like for my stepmom Shirley to battle breast cancer, I was an outsider, and at times I felt helpless in knowing what to do or say. I am sure I uttered the 5 letters to her or my dad, as I am sure I will not stop hearing those letters said to me.
I am only asking that you please don't tell me you are sorry... I am not unimportant or insignificant. I am just me, struggling with something many others before me, and many more after me will struggle with also.
So, trade those 5 letters I dread to hear, and replace them with 7 I would LOVE to hear... HOPEFUL. I am hopeful that one day we will have a child to call our own, I am hopeful that Gods plan is closely intertwined with our hearts desires, and I am hopeful that not only can I grow stronger through this battle but the end result will be well worth the wait.
(P.S. I am catching up on some blogging the week I am off... So, more from me coming soon!)
I literally at times HATE those letters put together... I mean what does "sorry" really mean? Its said so often as a fallback, something that fills that awkward space in a conversation when something not so happy is shared. Well I don't like being told that people feel sorry for me... I don't feel sorry for me so why should someone else. Yes, this situation sucks, and I wouldn't wish this struggle on my worst of enemies but sorry doesn't play into it anywhere...
Dictionary.com defines SORRY as: feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.
2.regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic
3.
sorrowful, grieved, or sad
4.
associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering
5.
Really... Am I wretched, poor wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful
I know it is the easiest thing to say, especially when you can't find or know the words to say much else. Many people cannot fully understand or grasp what this is like, and I know that... I couldn't fully grasp what it was like for my stepmom Shirley to battle breast cancer, I was an outsider, and at times I felt helpless in knowing what to do or say. I am sure I uttered the 5 letters to her or my dad, as I am sure I will not stop hearing those letters said to me.
I am only asking that you please don't tell me you are sorry... I am not unimportant or insignificant. I am just me, struggling with something many others before me, and many more after me will struggle with also.
So, trade those 5 letters I dread to hear, and replace them with 7 I would LOVE to hear... HOPEFUL. I am hopeful that one day we will have a child to call our own, I am hopeful that Gods plan is closely intertwined with our hearts desires, and I am hopeful that not only can I grow stronger through this battle but the end result will be well worth the wait.
(P.S. I am catching up on some blogging the week I am off... So, more from me coming soon!)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
2 months is a long time...
Wow... I have to be honest, I have been avoiding this post for a while. And if it weren't for my Google search for pregnancy loss, I might have continued to avoid posting.
For those who know what happened but don't know details, here it is in as much detail and I can right now... Ok, first remember Dr. Wonderful and how he was so sure we would get pregnant, and told us to make a Christmas baby, well he was about a month off...
January 8th... Fred comes (thank you Kelsi for that reference), and I begin to think we are doomed. (Yes, its only been a month but when you have been trying for so long that month feels like YEARS!) So: Fast forward to about 9 DPO, and I am thinking something is up... Take a test, NEGATIVE. Trash it and go on about my business... I mean, it was WAY early anyway.
Remember, I have been charting my temps and have noticed no dip to indicate Fred coming again... 15 DPO still no Fred (and at this point he is about 3 days late.) NEGATIVE... Ok, stop stressing and Fred will show up anytime...
FINALLY at 18 DPO (which by, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" is when you should get a positive test if your temps remain high... POSITIVE!!!! We do the baby dance... Well, for about 5 minutes before the impending tidal wave of fear hits... WHAT IF???
Call Dr. Awesome, go in for blood work and sure enough, My levels were at 77, wahoo!!! (This was a Monday). Go back Thursday, more blood work... levels are at 300. THEY ARE RISING LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TOO!!!!! Baby dance a little more... That silly little ripple of fear is GONE.
Next Monday go in... Levels @ 890, still rising like normal (if there IS such a thing as normal in pregnancy, right?!) Dr. Awesome's nurses schedule a final blood work that Friday (Feb. 18th) and our 1st SONOGRAM on Monday 2/21. I knew it would be good... It was the 21st, exactly 3 months until my birthday, and if you know anything about me any multiple of "3" is considered LUCK.
Blood work on Friday won't come back until my Monday appointment... Monday morning comes and Brian and I have taken off of work that morning... We are excited to get pictures of our little one, and then enjoy over a lunch together before going back to work and sharing the good news...
Immediately I could tell something was wrong, the sonogram monitor was turned away from me... Wouldn't they let me see the baby? The nurse says, "Hmm, let me go get the man, you have an awful lot of fluid (blood) in your abdomen." 10 HOURS (felt like) later, Dr. Awesome comes in and confirms our worst fears... It's tubal #3. With the amount of fluid in my abdomen, and the pain I had been in over the last few days he considers it an Emergency and schedules my surgery for 3pm. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT... So much for the lunch date, and the cute sonogram pictures, and the thought that we might actually have a BABY. In the matter of minutes my heart breaks for the 4th time in 18 months...
I carry the burden of barrenness differently than other women... I can get pregnant, I just can't keep a pregnancy.
I now am missing my right tube, and with that went baby #4. MY left tube remains intact and blocked... It is not possible for me to get pregnant anymore... Without the help of fertility assistance.
I still think I am in shock... I haven't been mad yet, or sad for that matter. There hasn't been the great emotional breakdown. And the worst of it, I don't know if that will happen for a while...
I just feel empty... Lost, confused and empty. I had a dream the other night, that in reality made no sense but in my dream we got the baby our arms ache to hold. She was beautiful and perfect and she was ours.
For those who know what happened but don't know details, here it is in as much detail and I can right now... Ok, first remember Dr. Wonderful and how he was so sure we would get pregnant, and told us to make a Christmas baby, well he was about a month off...
January 8th... Fred comes (thank you Kelsi for that reference), and I begin to think we are doomed. (Yes, its only been a month but when you have been trying for so long that month feels like YEARS!) So: Fast forward to about 9 DPO, and I am thinking something is up... Take a test, NEGATIVE. Trash it and go on about my business... I mean, it was WAY early anyway.
Remember, I have been charting my temps and have noticed no dip to indicate Fred coming again... 15 DPO still no Fred (and at this point he is about 3 days late.) NEGATIVE... Ok, stop stressing and Fred will show up anytime...
FINALLY at 18 DPO (which by, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" is when you should get a positive test if your temps remain high... POSITIVE!!!! We do the baby dance... Well, for about 5 minutes before the impending tidal wave of fear hits... WHAT IF???
Call Dr. Awesome, go in for blood work and sure enough, My levels were at 77, wahoo!!! (This was a Monday). Go back Thursday, more blood work... levels are at 300. THEY ARE RISING LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TOO!!!!! Baby dance a little more... That silly little ripple of fear is GONE.
Next Monday go in... Levels @ 890, still rising like normal (if there IS such a thing as normal in pregnancy, right?!) Dr. Awesome's nurses schedule a final blood work that Friday (Feb. 18th) and our 1st SONOGRAM on Monday 2/21. I knew it would be good... It was the 21st, exactly 3 months until my birthday, and if you know anything about me any multiple of "3" is considered LUCK.
Blood work on Friday won't come back until my Monday appointment... Monday morning comes and Brian and I have taken off of work that morning... We are excited to get pictures of our little one, and then enjoy over a lunch together before going back to work and sharing the good news...
Immediately I could tell something was wrong, the sonogram monitor was turned away from me... Wouldn't they let me see the baby? The nurse says, "Hmm, let me go get the man, you have an awful lot of fluid (blood) in your abdomen." 10 HOURS (felt like) later, Dr. Awesome comes in and confirms our worst fears... It's tubal #3. With the amount of fluid in my abdomen, and the pain I had been in over the last few days he considers it an Emergency and schedules my surgery for 3pm. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT... So much for the lunch date, and the cute sonogram pictures, and the thought that we might actually have a BABY. In the matter of minutes my heart breaks for the 4th time in 18 months...
I carry the burden of barrenness differently than other women... I can get pregnant, I just can't keep a pregnancy.
I now am missing my right tube, and with that went baby #4. MY left tube remains intact and blocked... It is not possible for me to get pregnant anymore... Without the help of fertility assistance.
I still think I am in shock... I haven't been mad yet, or sad for that matter. There hasn't been the great emotional breakdown. And the worst of it, I don't know if that will happen for a while...
I just feel empty... Lost, confused and empty. I had a dream the other night, that in reality made no sense but in my dream we got the baby our arms ache to hold. She was beautiful and perfect and she was ours.
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