2 months is a long time...

Wow... I have to be honest, I have been avoiding this post for a while.  And if it weren't for my Google search for pregnancy loss, I might have continued to avoid posting.

For those who know what happened but don't know details, here it is in as much detail and I can right now...  Ok, first remember Dr. Wonderful and how he was so sure we would get pregnant, and told us to make a Christmas baby, well he was about a month off...

January 8th... Fred comes (thank you Kelsi for that reference), and I begin to think we are doomed. (Yes, its only been a month but when you have been trying for so long that month feels like YEARS!)  So: Fast forward to about 9 DPO, and I am thinking something is up... Take a test, NEGATIVE.  Trash it and go on about my business... I mean, it was WAY early anyway.

Remember, I have been charting my temps and have noticed no dip to indicate Fred coming again... 15 DPO still no Fred (and at this point he is about 3 days late.) NEGATIVE... Ok, stop stressing and Fred will show up anytime...

FINALLY at 18 DPO (which by, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" is when you should get a positive test if your temps remain high... POSITIVE!!!!  We do the baby dance... Well, for about 5 minutes before the impending tidal wave of fear hits...  WHAT IF???

Call Dr. Awesome, go in for blood work and sure enough, My levels were at 77, wahoo!!!  (This was a Monday).  Go back Thursday, more blood work... levels are at 300. THEY ARE RISING LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TOO!!!!!  Baby dance a little more...  That silly little ripple of fear is GONE.

Next Monday go in... Levels @ 890, still rising like normal (if there IS such a thing as normal in pregnancy, right?!)  Dr. Awesome's nurses schedule a final blood work that Friday (Feb. 18th) and our 1st SONOGRAM on Monday 2/21.  I knew it would be good... It was the 21st, exactly 3 months until my birthday, and if you know anything about me any multiple of "3" is considered LUCK.

Blood work on Friday won't come back until my Monday appointment... Monday morning comes and Brian and I have taken off of work that morning... We are excited to get pictures of our little one, and then enjoy over a lunch together before going back to work and sharing the good news...

Immediately I could tell something was wrong, the sonogram monitor was turned away from me... Wouldn't they let me see the baby?  The nurse says, "Hmm, let me go get the man, you have an awful lot of fluid (blood) in your abdomen."  10 HOURS (felt like) later, Dr. Awesome comes in and confirms our worst fears... It's tubal #3.  With the amount of fluid in my abdomen, and the pain I had been in over the last few days he considers it an Emergency and schedules my surgery for 3pm.  SHIT, SHIT, SHIT... So much for the lunch date, and the cute sonogram pictures, and the thought that we might actually have a BABY.  In the matter of minutes my heart breaks for the 4th time in 18 months...

I carry the burden of barrenness differently than other women... I can get pregnant, I just can't keep a pregnancy.

I now am missing my right tube, and with that went baby #4.  MY left tube remains intact and blocked...  It is not possible for me to get pregnant anymore... Without the help of fertility assistance.

I still think I am in shock... I haven't been mad yet, or sad for that matter.  There hasn't been the great emotional breakdown.  And the worst of it, I don't know if that will happen for a while...

I just feel empty... Lost, confused and empty.  I had a dream the other night, that in reality made no sense but in my dream we got the baby our arms ache to hold.  She was beautiful and perfect and she was ours.