Thank you, I needed to hear that...

Last night's message at church spoke right to my heart and I had to share...  The title of the series right now is, "All I Want For Christmas" and yesterday's lesson was on LOVE.  I went in to the message thinking it was going to be about "loving" everyone this time of year, and we are all for World Peace, etc, etc.  What the message was really about caught me off guard...

I Cannot Experience the Love of Others if I Cannot Love Myself...

A one of the main points was about resisting the impulse to HATE myself b/c all that = is depression

I think in this journey we are on, the roller coaster of infertility, it is hard NOT to HATE ourselves.  We have been raised to believe a woman's soul purpose on earth is to be a mother.  When that isn't happening, we question ourselves, we wonder what WE DID WRONG along the way that is causing our wombs to be empty month after month.  We cannot experience the LOVE FROM A CHILD if we do not love ourselves.  Not to mention the unconditional LOVE of our spouse who is on this journey with us.  We have to stop beating ourselves up every month when we wake up on that dreaded morning and realize once again it didn't happen this month... This totally opened my eyes and made me realize I have been holding so much in for so long and I need to forgive myself, and learn to love myself again... So, that is my goal: Re-learn to love myself...

The other thing we tend to do is to get angry...  We don't love ourselves, so it's easy to push that anger onto someone else... I know going through this very emotional and hormonal battle, I at times get angry and the person I tend to take it out on the most is my Hubby.  He definitely doesn't deserve it, we are in this together.

The message went on to talk about "Living out your God created Identity" and making you self reflect on the question, "Is there any truth about myself I've been denying, avoiding, or covering up?"  Now, that is a hard question to answer on the inside, and for sure not one I want to admit "yes" out loud but I am sure we can all answer that with a "yes" on some level.  I have been harboring so much anger and self- doubt and just flat out worry and fear for so long, I have been avoiding a lot about LIFE in general. I am done beating myself up... I am done worrying over every little thing... I am DONE with trying to micro manage or control every aspect of my life... I am truly letting go and giving this over to God...

I have decided to write out everything negative that comes to mind, whether it be something I have done in the past, or just negative thoughts about myself and I am going to have a little back-yard old school bonfire and burn all those negative things... I know it is only a physical act, and most of those things are mental... But, to me that physical act of burning the bad, is what I need to get over, and move on...  And I haven't had a good "burn the bad bonfire" since I was in HS (Adrienne & Shirley remember that?)

Anyone want to come roast marshmallows?

I am going to go into Christmas and the New Year with a positive outlook, and all the while RE-LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF!!!