Is it too late to wish for a Christmas miracle??

So, as I sat in church earlier today I wondered to myself, "You don't hear about Christmas miracles much anymore."  We celebrate the one true CHRISTmas Miracle every December 25th, as in Jesus' birth... But, it feels like growing up I was always hearing about someone miraculously making it home for the Holiday's or somehow someone was able to buy Christmas presents after all, and not to mention all the beautiful Christmas babies born... (Speaking of: can my niece Josalyn come on now... We want a Christmas baby!)

So, my thought this Christmas is more of a plead to the BIG MAN upstairs, and no that's not a fat joke about Brian... I am talking about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit... Can I be the recipient of a Christmas miracle??  And, the miracle I am hoping for is the one in the form of a positive pregnancy test FOLLOWED UP by a POSITIVE (as in happy) Doctor visit saying everything is NORMAL and HEALTHY... At this point I don't know if that positive pregnancy test would cause as much joy as it does with so many other women... See I have had a positive pregnancy test before... THREE TIMES!!!  So, my view of getting pregnant is a bit jaded with the immediate negative thoughts... "Is this one another tubal?"  "Will I end up having a miscarriage again, etc"

I HATE THAT... I want the utter jubilation that comes with the two pink lines.

My Christmas miracle wouldn't quite be a miracle at Christmas... Except for the fact that the miracle in itself would be conception at or around the months following Christmas and then a HEALTHY implantation around New Years or the months following...

As you pray over family and friends over the next few months, give the BIG MAN a shout out for me... In the form of OPEN MY DARN TUBES enough to let a little bean get through...

Merry CHRISTmas to you dear friends and family... I love you all!!!  Remember: pray for the Christmas miracle... Even if maybe it doesn't come until a few months down the road, it will still be my miracle...

And lastly... Remember me and the women like me this time of year... We don't like hearing all your complaints about being pregnant... Believe me, we would take and combine ALL our preggo friends complaints just to have the joy of the experience of  being pregnant.  This time of year is especially hard on me... I can't wait for Brian to get to play "Daddy Santa" and for us to have the joy of a little one waking us up early on Christmas morning...

Good night... and Merry Christmas!!! :)

seriously?!?!

OK, so I might have to take a leave of absence from Facebook until further notice... It seems like EVERY time I log on someone else is pregnant, or posting about pregnancy...  Now, don't get me wrong, while I am excited for everyone being able to begin that journey or to add to their family, it just seems a little overwhelming right now...  WAY TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.  I thought I was SO past this, "Why not me?" thing but I am so most definitely not...

I wish this was different, I wish my feelings were different and that it didn't almost bring me to tears every time I see someones post that they get to experience the ONE thing I want SO BADLY!

I didn't want to become the girl who wants this so bad that everyone else's joy sends me to tears... I guess right now that is what I have to settle for...

Literally I can count 10 people I know who are in some stage of their pregnancy right now... And, sadly I can count almost as many struggling to get pregnant like we are...

This is a sad post for me... I really didn't want to ever feel this way but after this week I most definitely do.  There are a couple of people who I am really excited to hear their news, people who have been where I am,  and those people who have been where I am they have overcome this...

I am sure this post will make some people mad... Sad, or even to the point of not wanting to read this anymore... Please know my feelings will pass, and I will be able to move past this but right now its all I can think about...

I think I am just overwhelmed...

Thank you, I needed to hear that...

Last night's message at church spoke right to my heart and I had to share...  The title of the series right now is, "All I Want For Christmas" and yesterday's lesson was on LOVE.  I went in to the message thinking it was going to be about "loving" everyone this time of year, and we are all for World Peace, etc, etc.  What the message was really about caught me off guard...

I Cannot Experience the Love of Others if I Cannot Love Myself...

A one of the main points was about resisting the impulse to HATE myself b/c all that = is depression

I think in this journey we are on, the roller coaster of infertility, it is hard NOT to HATE ourselves.  We have been raised to believe a woman's soul purpose on earth is to be a mother.  When that isn't happening, we question ourselves, we wonder what WE DID WRONG along the way that is causing our wombs to be empty month after month.  We cannot experience the LOVE FROM A CHILD if we do not love ourselves.  Not to mention the unconditional LOVE of our spouse who is on this journey with us.  We have to stop beating ourselves up every month when we wake up on that dreaded morning and realize once again it didn't happen this month... This totally opened my eyes and made me realize I have been holding so much in for so long and I need to forgive myself, and learn to love myself again... So, that is my goal: Re-learn to love myself...

The other thing we tend to do is to get angry...  We don't love ourselves, so it's easy to push that anger onto someone else... I know going through this very emotional and hormonal battle, I at times get angry and the person I tend to take it out on the most is my Hubby.  He definitely doesn't deserve it, we are in this together.

The message went on to talk about "Living out your God created Identity" and making you self reflect on the question, "Is there any truth about myself I've been denying, avoiding, or covering up?"  Now, that is a hard question to answer on the inside, and for sure not one I want to admit "yes" out loud but I am sure we can all answer that with a "yes" on some level.  I have been harboring so much anger and self- doubt and just flat out worry and fear for so long, I have been avoiding a lot about LIFE in general. I am done beating myself up... I am done worrying over every little thing... I am DONE with trying to micro manage or control every aspect of my life... I am truly letting go and giving this over to God...

I have decided to write out everything negative that comes to mind, whether it be something I have done in the past, or just negative thoughts about myself and I am going to have a little back-yard old school bonfire and burn all those negative things... I know it is only a physical act, and most of those things are mental... But, to me that physical act of burning the bad, is what I need to get over, and move on...  And I haven't had a good "burn the bad bonfire" since I was in HS (Adrienne & Shirley remember that?)

Anyone want to come roast marshmallows?

I am going to go into Christmas and the New Year with a positive outlook, and all the while RE-LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF!!!

Something that has been on my heart...

I want to start an infertility outreach or support network in North Texas or even the Mid-Cities area for women that struggle with infertility, no matter what their case may be... Someplace they can go to "escape" when things get overwhelming, a place full of caring people and resources (lots) to stray people from the internet misinformation, someplace where other people know EXACTLY what they are going through and can truly be the ones to comfort and support, and uplift.  Whether it be PCOS w/ no Ovulation, Secondary Infertility, Failed IVF, Ectopic, Blocked/ Scarred Tubes, or even those just having to work a little harder than most to conceive.  I feel like some people are embarrassed at this concept, and most of the time people have no idea that infertility is as common as it is (1 in 8 couples), especially those couples who can look at each other and conceive.  That thought always makes me giggle a little... This idea has been placed on my heart, and I am going to continue to pray about it, knowing that I will eventually get the sign of how to proceed.  I have always wanted to author a book, and I have had a few ideas and may contact some of the wonderful women who I have crossed paths with since we began the infertility journey.  So, all I ask for now is prayers to have God show me what he wants me to do from here...

Praying for all my wonderful women who are in this battle for mommyhood with me... :)

God, I'm tapped in...

God is truly amazing... Just when you let your shoulders droop for a second he whispers in your ear to let you know he is still here.  I had one of those moments today, and I am glad that I have become a lot more "tapped in" with God over the last 6 months so that I am able to realize he is whispering in my ear, and to acknowledge that He is truly GREAT!  I think so many times throughout this time of year we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the "season" and a lot of time forget the "reason" for all the celebration.  This year I want nothing more than for my relationship to continue to grow, and to further my walk with Christ. I would not be as strong as I am now if it weren't for Him tapping me on the shoulder, and whispering in my ear letting me know that I had strayed from Him, and feeling totally embraced by God the minute Brian and I walked into Fellowship of the Parks this summer.  All those out there that struggle with this concept, man you are missing out on something truly awesome!

Ok, this little rant is done...

It's Been a While My Friends...

Well so until someone asked me about my blog the other day, I had totally forgotten I had one... Wow, for someone only 28, I sure feel senile at times!

A LOT has happened since my last post...  So, here we go:

I have officially switched from my previous OB to a new one, who has about 1200 letters after his name, so that means he has to be a good doctor right??  He specializes in fertility issues, and has been a total God-sent.

Visit #1 with Dr. Awesome:  Within 30 minutes, I had my HSG procedure and found out that my left tube is completely blocked, but my right was open and looked good on the sonogram.  I was ovulating from the left side that month, so BE CAREFUL was what he told us.  I learned more about not ONLY my tubes and what to do but MORE information about what I had been through the last 12 months.   With the scary fact that my September 2010 pregnancy could "possibly" have been a viable pregnancy but with my ectopic history and ONE sign pointing to that diagnosis my OLD OB went ahead with the Methetrexate shot.  I don't even want to ponder that one longer than it takes me to type it...

Now, do you see why I switched to Dr. Awesome???

Visit #2 with Dr. Awesome: my official "switching" over, and a "where to go from here."  Met with Awesome and he went over AGAIN my HSG test results, took a lengthy medical history and then told me flat out there are a few options.  1- Try on our own for a few more months, since we had been successful at getting preggo in the past. 2- Go on a round of Clomid to make me produce multiple eggs each month, ensuring that I ovulate at least one on the RIGHT side. (Good side) and 3- an exploratory surgery to really get a good look at what is going on inside my body.  He didn't like #3, and neither did I since I am STILL paying off my May surgery!  But, FIRST he wanted a "swimmer test" run on Brian.  A purse FULL of pre-natal vitamins and a follow up appointment on Dec. 6th was scheduled.

Well 3rd time is the charm for the "man test" apparently.  After a very scary test run, with the possibility of never having kids as a result... I will leave out any more for the sake of embarrassment of my hubby!

Dec. 6 Follow Up: Dr. Awesome has decided after the "man test" and my history etc that we are young, and he recommends trying on our own for a few more months.  After my "cost" comment in a previous appointment he says he wants to save us the money on the Clomid right now.  That sounds good to me... Man its been an expensive year!  He says we have to do the fancy Ovulation test kids and I have to keep track of that junk, and as soon as I "feel pregnant" to call and they will begin to chart my blood tests etc. He considers me "high risk" and so I get the SPECIAL TREATMENT!!!  So, all you pregnant or soon to be pregnant ladies out there, while you are waiting until weeks 6-12 for your 1st appointment... If I think I MIGHT have MAYBE even a little bit be pregnant then I get to go in for the blood test.  Not that I am bragging at all, this actually sucks... But, the last thing Dr. Awesome said was, "Go make us a Christmas baby." So, we are going to do as he says... And make that Christmas baby happen!!!  FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!

Lots of prayers have been answered, I feel better... I know the hubby feels better... We have some answers, we have some orders LOTS OF PRAYERS, and hope it's Gods timing! :)

Until next time...

a little of this... a little of that...

So, FINALLY the day has arrived... That is, AF came to visit.  Man, I haven't missed the cramps and "yucky" feeling that goes along with her visits...  BUT, this means I was able to call and schedule my HSG.  (hys-something- salpinogy) or something like that...

Hysterosalpingogram: OK there, that is the technical term for it, I was way off!

I go for my testing next Wednesday afternoon... So, fingers crossed, I will have news (good OR bad) to share.

I do have to make a comment on here... And, right now there are only like 2 people reading this and I am pretty sure both have a good idea of what I am dealing with BUT, nothing else drives me crazy than someone who tells me, "Oh, just give up, or relax and it will happen..." I always am polite and say thank you, etc.  It just drives me BATTY... I CAN get pregnant, hints the miscarriage and 2 ectopic pregnancies.  I am just having some "tubal" issues... So, relaxing isn't going to help my scarred fallopian tubes magically unscar, and "giving up" isn't going to help any little embryo find my uterus before deciding one of my two tubes is a better place to "latch on."  I appreciate people trying to sympathize, and empathize but its frustrating as all get out to have people try to explain what to do.  We got's the birds and the bees part down...

I do have to admit I was a little harsh last week when a co-worker asked me when we (my hubby and myself) were going to have little ones... My exact words were, "When I can come up with $15,000 for In-vitro, because there is no possible way it is going to happen any other way."  She looked at me almost cross-eyed and said, "You never know... You just never know."  So, if that was you, I apologize... 

I am to the point now that I am tired of explaining that I am different than most others that struggle with infertility... I ovulate (day 14 to be exact) and have very regular cycles (every 27 days).  I just have tubes that are scarred, from what, I don't know... And that causes a problem.

I feel like I am venting I am almost done, I PROMISE...

The absolute worst thing about struggling is the fact that people are actually scared or worried about telling you they are pregnant.  I want to be excited with you, rejoice in the blessing God has given you.  I want to be one of the first to know, and want to find out like anyone else would.  I don't want it to be a big deal... I love the fact that my friends and family are expanding their own families, it just hurts to think that others are scared to share their news. I can take the news like a champ, I am great with that... I might go home and cry but that is not something to worry about.  I am not jealous, I will not resent you, God has an ultimate plan for all of our lives...  I am reading a book right now called, "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake, and it has been super helpful.  It is written so that not only women struggling with infertility can read it but that their family and friends can read and understand.  One of the "Burden Bearers" (which are the people who are the support for the infertile reading the book) it talks about asking someone struggling with infertility HOW they would like to find out if you become pregnant.  I think that is GREAT... All you have to do is ask...

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned  with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:6

Why I Shouldn't Google...

If you are anything like me, you Google EVERYTHING... I mean that is what it is there for, right?  Well, someone should have a site that tells you, "Maybe you shouldn't google that right now."  Or, "Try that again later," kind of like the magic 8-ball thing from middle school...  I was curious about the costs of IVF (in-vetro fertilization) since that could be the only possibility for us getting pregnant in the future... Well, thanks to google and MULTIPLE sites my eyes are the size of oranges... $10,000 to $12,000 PER CYCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't know if all of you realize or not but I am a teacher... That is like 1/4 of my YEARLY salary... So, something that I thought might cheer me up has just pissed me off... I know, I know there are "payment plans" and blah, blah, blah... But, when you owe over $4000 already to pay off my May ectopic surgery, and then the Infusion lab chemo shot costs along with an ER visit in there, and all the blood work, geesh.  Can I EVER get a break???  I need to win the lottery... I married a teacher/ coach so the whole "sugar daddy" thing is out of the picture.  (AND just REALLY creepy.)

When I was going through my 1st ectopic the nurses told me to try and stay off Google... I nodded my head and immediately went home and jumped on the computer.  When I had my methetrexate shot, I actually tried to stay off the computer but the infusion lab nurse told me to google it... I think I need a "Parental Control" lock that doesn't grant me access to ANY search engine. 

So, for those of you going through this with me, or anything similar... Try to stay off Google, it can REALLY freak you out...  And the TTC/ Pregnancy blogging sites are worse... Everyone has a sisters, cousins, uncles wife that had this and that... It will leave you cross-eyed and confused!!!

For now, that is all!!! :)

here is my story

My story really begins the day I met my husband... Back in December of 2006.  We met at a middle school basketball game of all things... Him being the basketball coach, me being the cheerleading coach and the rest is history.  We married on July 13, 2008, the best day of my life!!!!  I mean our 1st meal as a married couple was at Taco Bueno of all places, who can beat that!!!!  (There is a story there but that's for another time, and another place.)  He is my anchor, he keeps me steady when I am weak, wipes my tears when I am sad, and picks me up when I fall... He truly is the best thing that happened too me!!! :)

Well... About a year into being married we decided to shoot for this kid thing.  I do what I do best and jumped into GOOGLE and started my search... I had friends who were trying to get pregnant, all of them super successful.  I mean I was in 9th grade health, I saw the A&P birthing video, can it REALLY be that hard???  I thought, piece of cake... In no time we will have the positive pregnancy test and be down the road to picking out cute little furniture etc.

We got our first positive pregnancy test in August 2009... He was at work, so I took a picture of the positive test and text it too him, with the message, "You are going to be a daddy!!!"  We were both SUPER excited... This is exactly what we wanted!!!  I called the OB/GYN that I had gone to the year prior and was hit with the news that you have to wait until you are 10-12 weeks along to be seen.  Well I was WAY too excited to accept that option and called around... I found my current OB who would see me at 6 weeks... PERFECT!!!!  Made the appointment and was counting the days... I started spotting on a Sunday and by Tuesday it was blood... Panicking I called the nurse and was told to go to the ER.  HOURS later I was sent home with the diagnosis of a "threatened spontaneous abortion" or in other words miscarriage.  My Dr. later ruled it a miscarriage and reassured me that, "These things happen..."  I was in shock, but the more people I talked with the more common I found out it was... Not that that makes it any better... After this, I pushed away the thought of having kids, or trying again for a while, I just wasn't ready I told myself.  Well in reality I was just scared...

Fast forward to late April 2010... I was still in denial about trying to get pregnant again, and was having some in-between period bleeding...  Calling the doctor, I was assured these things "happen" and it was probably nothing.  The instincts kicked in and I decided that maybe I should run go buy a test... You never know, right???  My only other experience with spotting was the miscarriage.  Well about 4 positive pregnancy tests later, I was stoked but worried at the same time.  I was spotting, there was no reason to get all excited if I was just going to have a miscarriage again... The doctor of course didn't want to see me until I was 6 weeks, so not knowing when I "conceived" I just lied and said I was at least 6 weeks along...  To make a long story short, 6 sonograms and 6 blood "donations" later, my doctor was at a loss... My levels registered me at 5 weeks, my calculations put me at 8 weeks... Something wasn't right...  Sonograms showed a very "cystic" right ovary and "something" (literal words of the doctor) on the left side... ECTOPIC.  I was told that it was possibly ectopic but the most common sign was a "ring of fire" that showed blood flow all around the "misplaced" baby.  Thank you Johnny Cash b/c all that was going through my brain when the sonographer was telling me this was your lovely... "I fell into a burning ring of fire, I went down, down, down and the flames went higher..."  I almost didn't hear her tell me that I needed to not eat anything after 9pm and not to drink anything after midnight b/c there was a POSSIBILITY of surgery the next afternoon.  UM WHAT???  Yes, the next day I went in for surgery... Found out at 11:45am that I was going to have surgery and was out and going home by 5pm that same day... My doctor doesn't play around.  Turns out I had 3 HUGE cysts on my right ovary, and an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube, I even have pictures of my insides and 3 little scars to prove it.  I played it off like I was big and tough but I was totally dying on the inside.  We weren't trying for this but it happened, and then it was gone all in the matter of 3 weeks.  Talk about out of whack emotions...

We were told to wait 3 months before trying again, just to make sure everything was "healed."  Man, when that 3 month mark hit... It was ON!!!  2 weeks later... Faint blue line baby!!! (TOTAL pun intended.)  But, it was faint and my last two tries at this thing left me feeling super uneasy...  LITERALLY 8 pregnancy tests later, they were all positive but faint, so I turned to the "big dog" of pregnancy tests.  DIGITAL, bom bom... It HAD to tell me one way or the other... It told me what I knew in the back of my mind all along... "Pregnant."  WAHOO!!!!  Celebration time... Man, I was totally going with the thinking positive and knew everything was going to be okay.  (Well I did struggle with the negative thoughts but seriously, I have nothing positive to pull from.)  I called my doctor, and the nurse called back with the usual, "6 weeks" comment.  I calmly told her that I had an ectopic only 3 months earlier and my doctor told me that she wanted me to make and appointment as soon as I got a positive test.  She assured me that 6 weeks was fine and made the appointment.

That Friday my phone rang on the way home and my doctor was calling... Weird, doctors don't call patients directly. She wanted to know why my appointment was 2 weeks away still if I had gotten a positive test... I explained what the nurse told me, and stating her irritation she scheduled my appointment for the following Friday.  Ending that conversation she asked if I felt confident about this pregnancy, and I assured her I did.  I mean there was no spotting, I had nausea, and my ta-ta's hurt... That meant it was stable.

Sunday, yes two days later... Getting ready to head out for breakfast and grocery shopping I run use the rest room before we leave and notice blood.  FREAKING out, I call the on call number for my doctor explain my not so short history with the message machine, frantically trying to remember to tell her my name and phone number.  Within minutes my phone rings... And once again I am struck with the words, "Go to the ER."  ER, and four hours later, our worst fears are explained to us as if I have sprained my ankle... It looks like there is a mass right up against or next to your RIGHT ovary.  WAIT, you are kidding right??  I just had that ovary cleaned off, there shouldn't be anything near it, and now you are telling me there is a possible ECTOPIC pregnancy there...  I can't tell you what went through my mind, as I was in shock at what they were telling me.  My WORST fears were confirmed with a doctors visit on Monday afternoon.  Yes, it was ectopic, and yes it was on the OPPOSITE side from the last one.  My doctors EXACT words were, "You HAVE to be kidding me."  Yeah, she summed up what I was thinking... She told me that I was early enough along to not need surgery. (Thank you.) But, I needed to go the next morning (yes the next morning) to the infusion lab for a methetrexate shot.  (For anyone who talked to me right after that appointment, I definitely didn't know how to pronounce, let alone spell METHETREXATE.)

Tuesday morning, I follow directions and check in and are given directions to the "infusion lab."  No one tells you that all that means is that is where people with cancer get their chemotherapy "infusions."  I walked into the lab and was by far at least 20 years younger than everyone else in the place.  I was scared.  A little while later I had my 2 shots of methetrexate, one in each booty cheek, and was sent on my way.  Um, OK do you realize that this shot immediately STOPS ALL RAPIDLY GROWING CELLS.  I just got a shot that is going to kill this baby.  I felt guilty, I felt like a horrible person. 

For at least 5 weeks after the shot, I went once a week for blood work.  I started calling it my weekly "vampire visit" b/c I would frequently have two "jab" marks from one of the nurses who liked to "roll" my veins.  (OWIE!!!) 

Being cleared for about 2 weeks now feels great... As great as you can feel knowing that your body doesn't work the way its supposed too... Feeling like the one thing a girl is raised to believe she is supposed to do might not ever happen naturally.  I am not bitter about my situation... I am not angry with those around me share their joy of pregnancy.  I only ache to know what that feels like, and know there is the possibility I will never know.  God has a plan for my life, and I know that... HE has been nothing but wonderful and has blessed me with so many things in my life that I am truly gracious and thankful.  He has a plan for my life, He will give me what I need.

In the mean time, I have been referred to a specialist for an HSG.  No, I am NOT confusing it with HCG... It is a procedure that will shoot not only dye but air through my tubes to make sure there is not blockages, and to see what this keeps happening to me.  My specialist doctor will get to be the one that delivers the news, either good or bad, and I am ready for that.  I mean his last name is the same as my dad's first name, so he HAS to be a great guy!!! :)  The only bad thing about this test is that it has to fall in a certain time during my "28 day cycle."  So, while in every month in the past I have been praying for AF to not come visit, this month I am begging her to come soon!!!  I am ready for some answers, I feel like I am grasping at straws right now and I hate feeling like that...

So, here is my story...  It is only the beginning.  God has great things planned for us, I just know it!